Apathetic dream

I just had a chat with my friend, Rhon yesterday and told her about my depression bout on the first quarter of 2012. Something hit me with our conversation, it's my idea of me being alone, forever.

You see, as you know, I fell in love and he wasn't there to catch me (in summary, he did not love me back). But before that, I was so sure that I was really spending the rest of my life being alone. I did not care if someone came along, I was pretty happy with my life. Even I was a fat girl with a job she doesn't like, I was pretty okay with the things that went.

Then, this guy came in, I really thought fate has made a way for me to meet him. Well, maybe as friends, as I have interpreted now. So, now, I am in the process of putting back the pieces that were present in my system before. But it's hard, it is FRIGGIN' hard. I am really not the same person anymore. That guy really changed me.

Now, as I chatted with Rhon, she told me not to close doors in having to find "the one". But, I defended, I really am not looking, it's better to expect that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Then, she said, "you know it'll be more fun travelling with someone, taking pictures together, eating together etc. " . Then, that alone hit me, well, i really wanted to travel with that someone. I think it's really fun having him on my side seeing the rest of the world. That's my idea of being in a relationship, the thought that whenever I go, I know that I belong to someone, that we belong together.

Yeah, I'm cheesy alright, but hey that's just me. I haven't been in a relationship ever. This is why I want to be someone who's apathetic. I don't want to feel again that cheesiness that may lead me to hurting myself again. Being heartbroken is one of the hardest ever, and this is the first time I got a taste of it. I don't want to experience it again.

Plan, I don't know really, but I will be busy in the coming days, I hope it will numb me up. Cross fingers!

And then there is acceptance

Well, it's been a month since my bout with depression. I guess, I've come in terms with everything that is happening with my life. I have learned that what I really need is some air and acceptance.

When I look back, the first half of 2012 went by so fast. I did not even notice that my third anti-tetanus vaccine shot is already due. This has been one rollercoaster year. It is quite obvious on my previous posts. But well, sometimes your mind and heart gets a bit confused with new things like these and this is an opportunity to learn more about myself.

It's not something big really, if you compare it to other people who have gone a lot. When I say a lot, it's something that hits the most basic needs, mostly driven by lack of money and resources. I have been fortunate, I really am. I recognize this everyday and sometimes I think that it's just not for me. And it's sad realizing something so good shouldn't be yours.

Well, I've accepted this fact. I am now looking forward for something - opportunity and distractions. Thank God, I have a lot now - free fun runs, requests for pictorials (prenup and maternity), friends who would ask me to meet them and now, the return of my cousins (one from province, one from another country) and unplanned travels with friends. All of these came in the right time.

Now, how do I move on from these. I have to resolve these issues, I have just come in terms with it. I think it's halfway solved. But it's still a long, long, long waaay..

Well, I will figure it out soon. I know God will find a way. :)