Nostalgia: Cancer

I watched the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close earlier, it was this story about a kid looking all over NY for a lock, using his father's clues. His father died on the 9-11 terrorist attack before he went looking. Somehow, I think, the story is all about closure, how he moves on with the death of his dad.

I remember one scene when he told Mr. Black that he never told anyone about how he was afraid to answer the phone when his dad called. His father was already at the World Trade center bldg, and the plane already crashed into it, it's just that the building has not fallen yet. He heard his father's voice on the machine saying, "Are you there? Are you there?..." until the building collapsed.

The kid felt sorry that he did not answer, he could not muster up the courage to be "just there" for his dad. This got me remembering the time my mom told me about my dad's condition.

I think it was a Sunday, since we the before we went to Ocean park and Star City for our company's annual family day, this is held every Saturday, so I think I am right. Anyway, days before this my dad had a lung biopsy. So on this day, Sunday, I jwoke up with our phone's loud ring, and then I hear my mom on the other end crying. In between tears, she told me that my dad already has Lung Cancer, Stage 4 and he only has 6 mos to live.

Upon hearing it, I could not feel anything. It was something, I knew was coming but, I did not expect it to come this way. My mom told me not to tell my dad so I did not make any drama on the phone that day, i just said okay then hung up. I lied down on my bed thinking about it, I could not cry. It just numbed me up.

Then, Monday came, I think I'm still in shock with the news. I remember everything being slow and the sky being bright, it was May 2008. While walking to Edsa Central, I was trying to reassess my feelings, I could not understand, why. Why am I not sad with my dad's condition? Is it because I knew it would come? I already told him all the risks, but why am i this way? am I not afraid to lose him in my life?

This is not until I sat on my desk and listened to Avril lavigne's Nobody's Home. I cried, on my desk. The song just made me understand how i felt. I am sad. It's just that I am in shock. I could not react easily to it. I am sad that I did not empathize with my mom, I am sad that I was feeling this way. Good thing though, I realized that I am really sad that I was losing my only dad. The only one I have.

The line that made me cry really was the part that "she wants to go home but nobody's home, it's where she lies, broken inside". I felt broken that one part will be gone and will never ever come back. He has been a big part of me, he's my dad, my mentor, my story teller, my darts teacher, my dog's am, my pet's amo.

Anyway, after all of it happened. I don't know what happened next. I just remembered his sisters coming in our house to take care of him. Then crying outside because he was bleeding. His face, his lips, etc. They could not bear it. Me neither.

Anyway, given that my father's spirut was larger than expected he survived the 6mos. But the worst was not over, he started feeling numbness on his feet, and by Feb 2009, he could no longer walk. He was admitted to Lung center, where he got worse. The bleeding came back, this time it included his eyes, his nose, and another sister came in. And I pity her for seeing my dad this way, this was not a good memory to remember.

I also remember me, still opting to go to Caramoan even though he was already this way. I actually have no idea because he talked (on the phone) to me while I was there. He told me that he saw on tv that Kuya Kim said that Caramoan is a beauty. When I came back, his eyes were bloodshot, and his nose were already bleeding. His platelet was dropping and I was enjoying myself out.

I could not bear seeing my dad this way really. He was my first jogging buddy, he snorkled the seas of Batangas and Cabalian, he climbed Mt. Pulag, Pinatubo, Arayat, Cabalian, etc, he buried my Holgar, he drove me to Ortigas to get Masud, he fetched me to the airport coming from Davao and Lugait, to me he was strong. I want to remember him strong.

When I see him sick on his bed and even now that he's gone, the only memory I would like to remember was the time he fetched me to the airport coming from Lugait, this was 2008 and I made lambing to him to fetch me. So when our car came up, I saw him from a distance - Smiling, red cheeks, teeth showing, and he got fat. I smiled, he never looked this handsome before. I greeted him and complimented how good he looked and he was happy that he looked that way. He stopped smoking for months and I was happy that he was healthy, he was beautiful, he is my strong dad. I will always remember my dad that way. Always.

I love my dad, I guess the movie just got my feelings back on how it was missing the dad and moving on with it. I am moving on of course, I just sorta miss him. I just remember that time in the airport and I am okay. :)

2 Days Productive kuno

It is the rainy season, and we were allowed not to report for work due the hazards we may pass on our way to our workplace (especially for me, since my workplace is about 20kms away). I've watched the news and voila, there is flood in all highways that I will have to pass. So, I stayed.

So, I know I said that I would have to stay away from the internet for a while. I actually did, but at home, it is inevitable. So, I used the internet to remind and announce to all people I know about the current situation here. I liked some stuff on FB hoping that other contacts would see the gravity of the situation, esp OFW and kins outside Manila contacts.

In line with the internet thingy, I also made a blog. This one and on the other one, because I have been thinking of triathlons and I have been reading on how to prepare. Good luck to me on that note.

Then, I read two books, i finished reading Fifty shades and started ad finished The Curious Incident on the Night-time. Both different, both quite okay. Then, I also covered, in plastic, all the books I recently bought, I think it was a total of 5, plus Ame's book.

I covered the books while I was watching Bourne. Since Bourne Legacy will be showing this week (I think first day is today or yesterday), I asked Mike, my colleague to give me a copy of the three movies before Legacy so that I could catch up with the story. The three movies were easy to watch, and it is fast. It was action filled and I love love it. Taken is better though but it's cool. I watched them all in one day, then my eyes got tired. I'm not used in watching nowadays.

Since, I could not jog anywhere, and unfortunately, we already disassembled our nifty treadmill so I just did the one hour Simply Yoga exercise from my iPhone. I have to train myself for Sunday's run, if not, I am doomed. I might not make it to the finish line. This is my 2nd 16k, so don't mind me for getting the jitters here hehe.

Of course, how can anyone forget sleeping on cold days like these. I know, I shouldn't because my face would blow up like a balloon again, but I have a million hrs of sleep debt and this is the time where I can catch up. I'm sure I really haven't filled all of my debts but I'm sure I could be half way there.

Then, there's nonstop bonding with my cousin, my mom, sister and brother, etc. So, I guess this two days have been productive. But there was one thing I have forgotten to do, it is to clean my bloody room. I keep reminding myself to do it, but I can't. I already did the laundry, my clothes have already been folded into place. The room is just messy. Ugh.

Oh well, I can't still do it all. I hope I can do it sometime. Tomorrow or the weekend, I don't know. I'll be busy again with other stuffs outside of our house after this (running, badminton, aikido, meetup with friends, then check up again with the OB. Spell busy abi, Jeez louise).

I hope the rain subsides by then. I am just happy I was able to stay at home and do other stuffs besides the one I have been trying to get used to (err the routine mentioned above). Well, I therefore conclude a break in the routine is good. We may accomplish other small things that we have in the back of our minds. :)

Writing Rehab

An officemate told me that one of our ex-colleagues will be coming back from Taiwan. Since we both love pens, she then told me to tell him to buy us some colorful Gtech pens, which I did. And then when he came back, I was more than thrilled to have it with a free pen case (which he bought, thanks again).

I am into Scrapbooks and having a bunch of office supplies on my big case (yes, I have a big case of artsy things on my room) gives me relief. Whenever I think of something to do, i just get to that big case and I never ran out of things to do. But now, recently, i decided to Get cold turkey on the social networking and anything related to it. I admit, I still come and visit but I do not post a lot of things anymore and I stayed away from everything that got me hurt in the first place. After I was bullied online, after all the tears and all the other drama shit, I was pushed to make the decision. Everyone doesn't have to know, the less they know, better. If they want to know more, they can ask me in person. I don't have to let everyone know what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, etc. Well, now, I only use the internet to read, check emails, look for stuffs, see and admire pictures online. As for communications, my friends know how to get to me. I am still always online ( hello unlimited internet plan) so they know what to do. Yes, me, going cold turkey on social networking/other related stuffs is stranger to me than you thought, I would still love to maximize the plan, but if it means having the palpitations and the tears back, no way jose. I have to remind myself that.

But this non-tweeting decision has it's own drawbacks, I am still thinking what I would like to tweet. To address that, I bought a notebook yesterday. So that on weekends, I can just write what I would like to tweet and of course read and do my other stuffs (photography, badminton and running/jogging).

I am a fan of cute notebooks, my box is full of it. I have different notebooks for different purposes. And no, I am no organized girl, I am just fond of it and I love writing too. Which was a good thing, so far, I have been writing stuffs on it since yesterday. The only thing I tweeted about was the RH thing which is a different topic and something I would rather not talk now.

I remember watching a Chinese film where in they write symbols on their past time. It's meditating, in a way, and I know I'm losing my concentration if there are erasures. I have to focus more.

Well, this simple writing thingy is very promising. Something to give me comfort for a while, one another perfect distraction from everything that should not matter. I have been making a lot of distractions lately and I hope I am not missing out on anyone with this.

Also, I am making an end of the year goal that I should fill out all its pages before the end of the year. Well, I wish myself luck and I will now sign off, I have some more writing to do. Cheerio!