Nostalgia: Cancer

I watched the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close earlier, it was this story about a kid looking all over NY for a lock, using his father's clues. His father died on the 9-11 terrorist attack before he went looking. Somehow, I think, the story is all about closure, how he moves on with the death of his dad.

I remember one scene when he told Mr. Black that he never told anyone about how he was afraid to answer the phone when his dad called. His father was already at the World Trade center bldg, and the plane already crashed into it, it's just that the building has not fallen yet. He heard his father's voice on the machine saying, "Are you there? Are you there?..." until the building collapsed.

The kid felt sorry that he did not answer, he could not muster up the courage to be "just there" for his dad. This got me remembering the time my mom told me about my dad's condition.

I think it was a Sunday, since we the before we went to Ocean park and Star City for our company's annual family day, this is held every Saturday, so I think I am right. Anyway, days before this my dad had a lung biopsy. So on this day, Sunday, I jwoke up with our phone's loud ring, and then I hear my mom on the other end crying. In between tears, she told me that my dad already has Lung Cancer, Stage 4 and he only has 6 mos to live.

Upon hearing it, I could not feel anything. It was something, I knew was coming but, I did not expect it to come this way. My mom told me not to tell my dad so I did not make any drama on the phone that day, i just said okay then hung up. I lied down on my bed thinking about it, I could not cry. It just numbed me up.

Then, Monday came, I think I'm still in shock with the news. I remember everything being slow and the sky being bright, it was May 2008. While walking to Edsa Central, I was trying to reassess my feelings, I could not understand, why. Why am I not sad with my dad's condition? Is it because I knew it would come? I already told him all the risks, but why am i this way? am I not afraid to lose him in my life?

This is not until I sat on my desk and listened to Avril lavigne's Nobody's Home. I cried, on my desk. The song just made me understand how i felt. I am sad. It's just that I am in shock. I could not react easily to it. I am sad that I did not empathize with my mom, I am sad that I was feeling this way. Good thing though, I realized that I am really sad that I was losing my only dad. The only one I have.

The line that made me cry really was the part that "she wants to go home but nobody's home, it's where she lies, broken inside". I felt broken that one part will be gone and will never ever come back. He has been a big part of me, he's my dad, my mentor, my story teller, my darts teacher, my dog's am, my pet's amo.

Anyway, after all of it happened. I don't know what happened next. I just remembered his sisters coming in our house to take care of him. Then crying outside because he was bleeding. His face, his lips, etc. They could not bear it. Me neither.

Anyway, given that my father's spirut was larger than expected he survived the 6mos. But the worst was not over, he started feeling numbness on his feet, and by Feb 2009, he could no longer walk. He was admitted to Lung center, where he got worse. The bleeding came back, this time it included his eyes, his nose, and another sister came in. And I pity her for seeing my dad this way, this was not a good memory to remember.

I also remember me, still opting to go to Caramoan even though he was already this way. I actually have no idea because he talked (on the phone) to me while I was there. He told me that he saw on tv that Kuya Kim said that Caramoan is a beauty. When I came back, his eyes were bloodshot, and his nose were already bleeding. His platelet was dropping and I was enjoying myself out.

I could not bear seeing my dad this way really. He was my first jogging buddy, he snorkled the seas of Batangas and Cabalian, he climbed Mt. Pulag, Pinatubo, Arayat, Cabalian, etc, he buried my Holgar, he drove me to Ortigas to get Masud, he fetched me to the airport coming from Davao and Lugait, to me he was strong. I want to remember him strong.

When I see him sick on his bed and even now that he's gone, the only memory I would like to remember was the time he fetched me to the airport coming from Lugait, this was 2008 and I made lambing to him to fetch me. So when our car came up, I saw him from a distance - Smiling, red cheeks, teeth showing, and he got fat. I smiled, he never looked this handsome before. I greeted him and complimented how good he looked and he was happy that he looked that way. He stopped smoking for months and I was happy that he was healthy, he was beautiful, he is my strong dad. I will always remember my dad that way. Always.

I love my dad, I guess the movie just got my feelings back on how it was missing the dad and moving on with it. I am moving on of course, I just sorta miss him. I just remember that time in the airport and I am okay. :)