Masud, my soulmate

I just saw today's youngblood. It was about her love for her dog and how she misses him. I thought about my dog and decided to make an eulogy for him, like I always do. :)

As I've narrated from my previous blog, Masud came to my life as a surprise. A friend gave me a dog before Masud came, Holgar, but he died a month after. Then, came this friendster ad about a man giving away puppies. I wasn't supposed to get one, really. I don't want to get hurt again. Good thing my father and sister convinced me to get it. The owner seem to want to give it to me to. The next thing I know, I was at the lobby of Horizon Condo at Ortigas waiting for the little puppy to arrive.

It was love at first sight, I will always remember that day. He was this little purse of fur, only a month old, he smelled like chocolates and he instantly wagged his tail when he was handed to me by his former owner. I can't help but love him right away. His owner was saying all his 'bilins' but since I was focused to the little fur, the only thing I remembered was 'No chocolates'. Weird. He smelled like one.

As I walked to the parking lot to get to where my father was. I thought of all the pain I experienced with Holgar. I was literally crying the whole time. I was afraid to love him, to be attached and take care of him. If I loved it, I don't want to let go of it. But my father and my sister insisted on taking care o it. It was too cute. Really he is. I can't help but fall in love fully.

My sister and I thought of a name, used a baby name book, opened a random page then whoalla, we saw the name Masud. It meant 'lucky one' from an Swahili/African language. He is indeed lucky. My sister and I had our jobs when he arrived. My mom did not like him though, he had this devilish brow, which I found cute but my mom didn't. She thought it was evil.

He did turn out to be an evil brat. He started destroying our shoes, slippers, undergarments (specifically brassieres) and napkins. He bit anyone of who tries to get what he's munching on. Good thing was, we all learned to clean and put things in place so he won't be able to reach it.

He also loves to go out of the house. If I say the magic word "Pasyal" he'll instantly run outside and wag his tail. I love pleasing him this way. Our little pasyals would sometimes comprise of walking him to the park, sometimes I drive him around. He's like a little boy when you get him places. Giddy and excited. I love seeing him like that.

Mind you, it's not only me who loves this little fur. I love the fact that the whole family also loves him. I remembered when he got sick, the vet prescribed several medicines. I got scared that he might not get thru because it was way too many and yiu have to give it to him on a specified time. I made a chart and pleaded everyone to give the meds when it is due. Gladly, the whole family helped, and thankfully, he was able to get thru. His good health was like the success of the whole family.

Having Masud in the family was like having another family member to love. He's not perfect, he bites, he could not even protect us from other dogs ( i have to carry him and shoo the other dogs away) but he came at the right time. I've always believed God always gives the perfect timing.

Why the perfect timing? Maybe my dad knew his time was up. That year he was insistent that we get a dog. He even accompanied me into getting Holgar from Valenzuela and Masud from Ortigas. I remember Masud being the sweetest dog ever, he will comfort you in times of sadness. When any of us gets sad or cry (not only me) he will comfort you by putting his head on your lap, licking your face, or just sit beside you, he'll let you feel his fur beside you. He'll let you know he's there. Almost 3 years after he came, my dad died. Perfect timing indeed.

With Masud, what I've realized is that we can never have it all. God will give us what we need WHEN we need it. He may not have given me the best breed of dog there is but he gave me the perfect one for me, for the family, the one best fit for me.

The dog's gone for about 2 months now. I still miss him. I still cry when I am reminded of him. He's just too special to let go. This time around, I am not afraid to love another dog though. If I did not take Masud in, I wouldn't have experienced all of these at all. Dogs have too much love to give and I don't want it to go to waste f I am given one again. Masud, I guess you've thought me that. :)

Simply Complicated Me

I believe what people say to me. Because they said it, I don't want to think other things rather than complicate myself with the thinking of what do they exactly mean with it.

I believe what people wants most people believe. As I said, I don't want to complicate myself. I am complicated enough to understand myself, why complicate my life more?

I hate counting with my mind. Or counting in general. Errr.. It's complicated, I hate it. My savings gone kaput because I suck at it. I tried writig it down. I still suck at it. Oh well. My highest grade on my board exams was math.... And I dunno why.

I hate being stuck. I hate traffic, waiting in a veerrry long line and a very slow elevator. I want to keep on moving.

Which leads to my life now. Stuck as fuck. Why am I writing this? Because. I am stuck, and it's complicated because I can't seem to move elsewhere. I thought I could find answers while writing.

... Sadly, I didn't.. Jeeezz..

Short Attention Span

I admit I'm a person with short attention span. When I was a young girl, I would often space out in class. My mind would wander off somewhere in between time, adventure, and whatever. I did not like school back then. I would only listen to the teacher if he/she could really tell a good story or if I am interested in what she is saying.

I realized this when I was already reaching high school. I realized, I could have gotten better grades if I listened carefully. So, I tried changing my lifestyle at High School. Since I changed schools, I thought it would be a good start. I learned that by writing, I could probably get somewhere in the ranks if I tried it.

Well, it somehow did, but it wasn't enough. My memory only catered to what I really wanted. I don't remember things that I don't want to remember, so I have to learn to like things. I have learned that sometimes, I am not right about myself and my usual prejudices. So, I learned to like math, learned to read carefully, listen carefully.. etc.. I have learned everything I need to be able to learn more. High School was the stage where I pushed myself in terms of how much I can really learn.

I was able to do it. I got high grades during the senior year. Turns out I'm right about myself. But when I turned college, What I've learned in high school about myself was never enough. This time, I learned to write every time I hear. It was hard for me to memorize things, but when I write them. Somehow, I remember a part of it. Another cure for my attention span. It got me through. But still it wasn't enough.

Well, after all of this efforts, I am still me. I could do a lot of things to get my attention but unless it's something of interest, I really wouldn't mind listening. Sometimes, i try to repeat everything one person just to make them feel that I am really making an effort to listen. And mind you, I have short attention but I'm pretty good at remembering. I guess I know, I will always space out or just think of something or do something when someone just got me into conversation but please do mind that I am always trying to be attentive and whatever I am picking up I will remember.

Working at Starbucks

Not really working for them but just finishing my work. While waiting for my friend to arrive, I decided to finish one of my pending emails to my boss (out of the thousand things that needs to be done). It's a first but I think it's better that I sometimes go outside my desk and do some of my work.

Well, I loved it. I think people should try it too. Sometimes i wanna bang my head in the table just to get the ideas out of it. At least here, I don't have to pressure myself that much.

Tea anyone? :)

My Happy Thought

This is my dog, Masud. One of my happy thoughts. Earliest memory of him, comprises of fur and smell of chocolates. And I have been in love with this bag of fur ever since.

I remember seeing this ad on friendster and I was just wondering whether the puppies were already vaccinated or not, a puppy of mine just died days before I saw this ad. I was so depressed (at that time) and I had no one at home and this ad seemed to appeal to me. See, this guy is giving away his puppies after trying to sell them for 2.5k pesos. He said the puppies had to go soon, since he is residing on a condo unit at Ortigas and having too many pets was (I guess) against the rules.

Anyway, i am really not into pets at that time. As I have mentioned, a puppy just died on me days before seeing this ad. Call it chance or fate but it just gave me another shot by letting me see this one tiny ad on friendster. My dad, convinced me to have it, he will accompany me in getting the little dog. Well, soon enough, I am seeing myself in the lobby of Horizon condominium. Waiting for this Randy guy to give me his puppy. Upon seeing them, i could not explain, he was this tiny bunch of fur. I got excited. You could carry him by the hand, and upon seeing me, his tiny tail started wagging. It was so cute. I couldn't help it but to be attached quickly to this little fella.

I'll never forget that day. And from then on, he has been giving me lots of joy. He gives it bit by bit. A simple gesture of putting his chin on our laps, Greeting us merrily when we arrive home, licking our cheeks when we cry, the feel and warmth of his fur when I sleep at night, and being at my father's side when he was still around. I love to remember that fetching that cute mutt on Ortigas was the last thing my father and I did together. And i'll try not to let go of it. Never.

Having this dog is one of the greatest blessings ever. I may not have Holgar, the last dog, who was someone with breed, intelligent, not fluffy and unique. But I had Masud instead, someone whom I really needed. God knew what was to come and he gave him to me just at the right time. And I've always thanked him since then, coz He chose the right one for me. And whenever I am in grief, I am always reminded of this thought. All of these things, about my dog, are just enough to make me smile and just move on. Well, this is just one happy thought. I have to remember all those other thoughts. I really need 'em this time.




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Of Choice and of Luck

I've always thought i always have a choice when it comes to these kinds of things. I am darn wrong. I can never get my brain to get out of it no matter what I do. I am unlucky, as my friend puts it, because this time, things did not get in my way.

It is sad, but good thing is I have learned. I have learned that in love you can never have a choice and you will not be always lucky. It's either you get what you don't want, or the odds are all against you and you won't get it at all. I think I got both. All I can do is sigh.



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Paranoia

Earlier, I was feeling good for waking up early, 7am (Yes, that's a bit early for me). I became my mom's driver to the market and waited for them to be done. While waiting on the car, I read the Murakami book I bought and as I was reading it I noticed that the weather was rather good despite weather forecast saying it's going to rain. It was perfect, the sun shining on the book's pages, leaves falling off the trees, cool wind blowing and it was a sunday morning so people walking are in their not-so-hurried selves. I loved the view.

Then, I panicked after loving everything. I suddenly got this thought of someone barging into the car and shooting me point blank. I don't know why I'm ruining everything, but I tried thinking what to do in case that happens. Where do I duck in? What my mother will do, what my funeral will be.

Good thing, my mother came in just in time and every thought just went away. I guess, I haven't gotten over my past demons. This is something I think i should do something about.

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Run

Our office group has been into runs lately. Good thing is that they influence our other colleagues to join the run too.

On our last run, the AXN run, (they have been always going for 21k. I, on the other hand, just went for the dorky 5k. Well, i want to enjoy the run and not tire myself badly.) I've thought of beating my own record. My last 5k record was 45mins. (i know it's easy, but i don't like running, i just do it for the sake of fitness.. Hahaha! Who am i kidding???) anyway, point is, while running my thoughts wandered off, and thought of my dad during the run.

I joined the football team during college. I am only one of the defensive players but I need to have the stamina to stay active during our games. My dad, who was consistently jogging at that time, encouraged me to join him in jogging. We jogged in the morning, he ran while I took my time walking. He did not actually wait for me but I know he is there. I thought now, these runs should be the things that we should be doing together. I never knew I can take on a 5k run, if he were alive and active, he would've tried the 21k. While running, i've imagined him running in front of me, along with the other runners.

So, when I went running with my dad in my mind. I was just amazed that I already reached the end of the line. 5k became easy. I almost cried upon reaching the end. My dad was my sole inspiration for this.

Even if I hate running, I will be joining these runs. For my fitness, and for my dad. I hope you're proud of me up there.

Masks

Probably all of us have masks, I admire people who are consistent with their interaction with different people. I know, I don't but I'm always trying.

Yes, you've read it right, I do also show different face to different people. I guess I normally base it on my comfort level. Well, let me enumerate again:

1. Family/Housemates - I've been with them for a long time and i have deviced different ways for me to enjoy their company. With them, I can be my childish me, and the most annoying person ever. I even annoy the dog and the cat. I don't know why I enjoy doing this. How do i annoy them? I call their name several times, just for the sake of gettig their attention, pinch them, slap their bodies while sleeping even roll on the top of their bodies. Of course, i only do this to my sister, brother, and two other cousins. But the annoying name calling, I do that all the time. Especially, when I've had too much sugar. Weehee.. I will be so in the mood to annoy.

2. College friends - with them, I don't know why I turn into the funny me. Never serious just plain funny, sarcastic and negative. I cried before them, whining I wouldn't graduate I'm still surprised up to now how I did it. But these are the people who could really put up with me. Even if I'm two hrs late, or I don't show up during meetings, well, I don't know why, but even if I'm like this, well I am always forgiven. I'm trying to change this now, my time is really impt now. I am juggling in between activities. Sheesh. Ika nga ni Rhona, I have too many extra-curricular activities nowadays. I have to be in time so that other activities won't be compromised. Yehesss excuse!

3. Office buddies - of course, this is where I work. What's good with them is that we're all buddies, and I can give them my most cuthroat joke and they won't mind. Or not. Or I don't know. Well, what I love about this group is the conversations we share. I feel smarter when I'm with them. I am in touch with my philantropic self (or whatever that means) when I'm with them. They also thrive to be healthy beings too, so I try to be my competetive self (let me emphasize on the word TRY, I'm really not that smart, but I've always tried to be one).

4. Aquiantances - i am a goody-too-shoes girl. I admit I love pleasing other people and I always love to leave a good impression. I can't help it.

Sometimes i go number 4 on my friends or family, or sometimes when I am so not in the mood i will be transforming into my party pooper self and stay inside my room the whole day, reading books and listening to music, or sleeping or whatever.

I think this is not just me. I think it's important for us to socialize properly, every person has the right to be dealt properly even if they act as if they don't deserve it. I also want to change some of these, of course, i want other people to know me as me. It's just that you can't be too comfortable with everyone.

So, I guess these masks are here to stay after all.



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Blogging using Popodi

As seen below, I can now publish blogs using BlogPress via Ipod touch, or my Popodi.
Bought it for a hundred bucks (php that is!) and i hope it's all worth it. I can now write thoughts even on my own bed. Urrrgh.. Finally.

So excited to start new blogs using this one. I just downloaded it, and I am starting already. Ooooohh this is so fun.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone