Music Much?

Me thinks I'll probably be deaf at the age of thirty. My audiometry test revealed my right ear (or left.. errr.. I forgot..) is partially deaf. Wow, if I were right, I only have 2 1/2 years to put up with my headphones.

I really would like to take care of my eardrums. But, I am currently having a hard time concentrating nowadays. And those headphones in my ears create this bubble that helps me focus on what I am doing. I have sooo many distractions, and I can be easily distracted. One question, and then pooof, I leave what I am doing.

Anyway, I love how music does this to me. It's like it possesses me and brings me to another dimension. Whenever i have those headphones in my ear, it's like I have a world on my own. Sometimes, I even imagine the lyrics and make myself the protagonist of the story. One time, I cried while listening and singing to the song AT THE OFFICE! It was one of my down moments, I was trying to figure out what I was feeling after hearing the news about my dad's cancer. After hearing the song, I realized that I was really sad. I am sad that it happened to the family and to my dad. Thanks to Avril Lavigne's Nobody's Home.

It doesn't just make me sad, it also gets me going to get the job done. It's like batteries to my brain (of course, sometimes I add coffee to my system to get myself go further - but I don't do that everyday due to my uric acid count). It gets me going to do things efficiently especially in post processing pictures and doing some data entry work.

I love how it moves me physically and emotionally. I cannot just take the headset away from my ear. When I do something, me and the music merge into one and do some beautiful magic together. I love it. I guess I'll just regularly see the EENT for my ears. I need to hear music until death!

Sleep deprived - Caffeinated.

It's already 1am and I couldn't sleep, I ate something I shouldn't have before bedtime, that coffee frosty something from Wendy's did it. Now, I have tons of thoughts and I don't need them in this time of the day. I have to sleep. 

I remembered before, I used to create all my drawings, school projects at night. It is because this is the time when I am in the peak of my creativity. But I didn't need coffee then, I just did everything magically on those wee hours of the day. Now, I need to do some sleeping, or else, I'll be doomed tomorrow. I wish I can sleep instantly. 

I should always remind myself with this, if I drank coffee in the morning, I shouldn't be drinking anything with caffeine or eating something sweet in the evening. Or else, this, happens. I am pissed. I keep on forgetting. 

Well, since this is already the situation. I will be to forcing myself to sleep. Good night. 

Busy Procrastinating

Actually, I am busy this July. Really, I am busy. This entry will not be possible had I not been procrastinating... AGAIN!

Anyway, I have lots of projects this month. This is all a good thing and a bad thing, depends on what will happen in the coming days. This month, I have two prenups, (I don't know if the other one will push, but I really hope it will), one maternity shoot and one house to design and construct.

The house is a surprise. I didn't take my mom seriously. She was bugging me to create the design, architectural and structural. I wasn't paying attention because I'm used to her saying it to me all the time. This time, she's dead serious.

My weekends will be full of those stuff.

I just slept while writing this. Haha. I really am so lazy. I have to wake up and do all of these stuff!!!! Tootles. :)

My Sweetest Downfall

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met


- Regina Spektor, Samson


When I realized everything, you really are my sweetest downfall. You made me vulnerable, I have never realized that I am this fragile when it comes to this kind of feelings. This is the first time that it became intense. So intense that I have to lessen up my presence on the internet just to at least lessen up the feelings too. 


I feel so guilty, I think you already know now that I really liked you. But I did not like the response that I got, I do not understand why you made this distance with me. So, I closed everything when I made that statement. I still want to be your friend, for real.. So I am giving you this space. I am dying to end it but I'll come back when all of these feelings are gone. When I can accept everything with open arms. 


Why do I guilty? Friendship is all you can offer, and yet I am yearning for something else. I feel like betraying that thin line. I don't want that to happen. Liking friends has always been a betrayal for me, maybe if the feeling is mutual, probably not, but this is different. You are different. Well, I hope you don't feel guilty as well. This isn't about you. All of this, is for me. I don't want to betray this friendship that we have. 


I remember that Friday night, I really don't understand what were you thinking then, but whatever it is. I don't care anymore. Let's just pretend it didn't happen. I'm good at that. As I've said, I can always move on. But I want you to know what I felt, when I saw you, it seemed all of my blood in my body rushed thru my head and I could not breathe normally. I have to go somewhere far just to compose myself. If not for the things that I have to get to that area, I would've left immediately. When I saw you again, I tried calling you, but I could not fathom the strength and I don't know if you could either. So I went away. 


I wish when I meet you again this will all be gone or at least I can see you without the blood-gushing-to-my-head feeling. I want you to know that even it ended like this, I am thankful that you made me feel this way. So, this is how it feels. It made me feel better about myself. I am more driven to lose the weight, become pretty and be girly. 


I'll still continue all this me being a girl stuff you know. Now I know, I want to love, but this time, I want to be loved in return. 

Lakad ng lakad

Nung college, naalala ko, ako ang binansagang Sto ninong gala at taong lahat malapit basta lakaran. Basta may oportunidad maglakad, naglalakad ako. Sa Maynila kasi laging traffic, syempre bilang batang buzzer beater sinasakto ko lang lagi ang oras papasok ng eskwelahan. Ayun, pagnagtraffic lang ng konti, makikita mo na akong tumatakbo sa Espana. At pag traffic din naman pabalik, ganun din, lakad.
Kapag masama din ang loob ko, naglalakad din ako. Parang kasing nakakawala sya ng sama ng loob sa bawat hakbang. Dati nga umiyak pa ako habang naglalakad, malabas ko lang lahat. Lahat ng ito nagagawa ko noon.

Kinain na siguro ng katamaran ko kaya kinalimutan ko na ang paglalakad. Kung pwedeng i-jeep, ijjeep ko na lang. Katamaran talaga, ayan gigantic patas ang inabot ko. Ngayong nandito ako sa Makati para sa isang project, parang nanumbalik ang pagiging sto ninong gala ko. Eto lang kasi yung lugar na hindi ko pa nakakabisa, para akong batang nasa ibang lugar kapag nandito. Kaya eto.


Isang malaking hamon sa akin ang pangangabisa ng mga lugar. Hindi sa ayaw kong mawala, pero parang bala mo kasi kung kabisado mo yung lugar. Kapag gusto mong pumunta sa isang lugar, makakatipid sa oras, di mo na kailangsn magtanong, di mo na kailangang maghanap. Tapos kung may humahabol sa iyo, alam mo kung san tatakbo at magtatago(bakit may ganyan? Hahaha.)

Kaya sa paglalakad may nadagdagan na naman akong kaalaman. Yun ang mahalaga dun, karagdagang benepisyo na lang ung pinawisan ako at pumayat. Gumagaan din ang pakiramdam ko at tila nanunumbalik ang lakas ng loob ko. Lakad ng loob para sa lahat ng bagay, kasi may alam na akong bagong lugar ~ salamat sa paglalakad.

Sleep

Before, I usually sleep a lot. When I say a lot, I mean 12 hrs or more (Sometimes the whole day, depending on how the week went). On weekends, I usually sleep all day, especially on sundays.

Now, I think, when I sleep, I am wasting time. There's so much more that I can do instead of sleeping. There's so much thing to learn, relationships to build, things to think, blogs to write, books to read.. etc. I know we need to sleep to energize, but.. what if tomorrow will never come for us? What if the world will end tomorrow? I just can't bear the thought of not being able to do all of these things... when I had the time, because I just slept.

Oh well. This is just me. Good night.

Introvert

Kapag sinasabi ko kina Jeddah na isa akong introvert, di sila naniniwala. Napakadaldal ko kasi at sa school, halos friends ko lahat ng mga tao. Either sya o ako ang mali ng pagkakaintindi sa salitang "INTROVERT".

Ayon kay About.com ang definition ng INTROVERT ay:


Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.


Dagdag pa nya:

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills.After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

Tama ako, ako ay isang Introvert. Napagtanto ko ito dati pa, lalo na yung they often avoid social situation because being around people drains their energy. Hindi ko rin ito maintindihan dati, bigla na lang akong totopakin, tapos mang-iindian na ako sa lakad. Gaya na lang nung isang linggo na pinagpasalamat kong hindi tuloy. Nandoon na naman ako sa mood na walang ganang makipaghalubilo eh. Buti na-cancel. Minsan talaga iyan ang topak ko, hindi ko alam kung aware ang friends ko dito, pero tingin ko yung mga ka-ofcmates ko aware na sila. Sa tingin ko, swerte din ako, nasa paligid ako ng mga understanding na tao. Kahit di nila ito mabasa, gusto ko silang pasalamatan. Eto ang bagay na hindi ko mapapalitan kahit kailanman, parang may mawawala sa akin kung hindi ako magpapaka-introvert.

Perks ng pagiging introvert? Wala. Tingin ko either parte ito ng personalidad mo o hindi. May mga definition din naman si introvert na hindi akma sa akin, gaya ng pag-iisip bago magsalita. Hindi talaga ako magaling sa part na yan. Gaya ng sinabi ko noon, ako ay isang reactive na tao. Pero mas gusto ko na hindi ko pagsisihan ang mga sinasabi ko, kung hindi matagalang pag-iisip yan. Sa tingin ko, kaya mas gusto ko rin yung mga pangintrovert na hobbies - internet surfing, photography, walking, etc kasi mas na-eenergize ako dun kesa sa mga pakikipagkita.

Though nakikipagkita ako sa mga tao, ngayon na ata ang edad na kailangang sumubok ng mga bagong bagay. Hindi na ako bumabata, at kailangan nang gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa noon pa. Except sa magkabf, yan ata ang hindi ko hahanapin. Mas gusto ko na siya ang maghanap sa akin, makaluma pero mas exciting. Naniniwala pa rin ako dito. *LOSER*

May mga araw din na parang gusto kang baguhin ng panahon sa pagiging introvert mo - kasi mas kailangang maging mas extrovert ka. Lalo na sa trabaho. Lagi kong iniisip kung dapat ko nga bang isakripisyo ang bagay na iyon, kailangan bang ako talaga yung magbago? May masasaktan ba ako kung maging ako lang ako? Mahirap makibagay talaga sa mundong ibabaw... Hayy..