Bipolarity

I took an online test before, this is regarding my psychological state which is something I really am worried about. It turns out, that I am someone with Bipolar Disorder. Well, I didn't know what was it before, I was actually checking whether I was manic depressive, and this is what it turned out.

According to helpmania.com, below is the definition of the disorder:

"Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function."

So, this disorder does not only comprise of depression but mania as well. Signs of my mania are very present, if you are someone who's attentive, when I'm in the mood, I usually take the discussion and sweep it. Just like earlier, I was so hyper bugging my cousin, then afterwards I was crying with an episode of Dog whisperer.

I think this is getting worse. I am not coping up with the new experience. I am doing a lot, I am in the other side of it, the mania part. Earlier, after doing my report, left with the unsatisfactory feeling, I jogged for an hour. It was already 10pm when I left the oval.

I am trying not to stress myself at home. I think I am doing the right thing by not stressing myself too much. The only cause of stress for me is my work. This work that I will be quitting soon. I don't know where to go next, and I haven't planned, but i have to get out soon.

Well, see, I am already sleepy and I still am in the mood in writing some more. Haha.. The heck! Well, I just came out of depression so I guess this is the other side if it.

With this, I would really need people who have wider understanding. If people would give me something to be sad about, even if it hurts me, I have to think about my relationship with them. Nowadays, my colleagues are really doing a good job in really comforting me. Not that I asked for it, they gave it instantly. It's sad that people who has the closest proximity would not care to bother to observe and feel this, my biggest flaw.

This is my reality, my curse, a result of what was and will be carrying it for a long time. I accept that I have this. I have to limit my interactions to people probably. If I am right that I am not getting better, I will have to stick with the people who will keep me sane. I will not delete people in my life, I just can't. I'll just interact less, i guess my stupid internet plan has to be used less. Oh my. Nagkayas kayas rag kug kwarta! Hay.

Anyway, I wish myself luck. I'll need that, on the days to come.

Magkaibang nilalang

Alam ko na, sa tinagal-tagal ko na dito, kada trabaho ko alam kong mapupunta lang sa kangkungan. Kada report, hindi naman napupuri. Kailangan pala natin ng papuri paminsan-minsan, kung wala nito. Para lang tayong nagtrabaho sa wala.

Kanina, habang tinatapos ko yung report ko. Naalala ko lahat ng agam-agam ko sa paggawa ng report. Nasa isip ko na na hindi siya pupurihin, may kailangang ulitin, ayusin, baguhin. Minsan ibabasura lang lahat. Hindi ko nga tinapos kasi naiiyak na ako. Parang wala namang patutunguhan. Basura lang.

Sa tinagal ko, pansin ko na parang binenta ko na ang parte ng kaluluwa ko, matamasa ko lang ang ganitong buhay. Kung hindi dahil sa trabahong ito, hindi ko matustusan lahat ng luho ko ngayon. Pero sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, hindi sapat sa akin lahat ng ginagawa ko. Kung sapat man sa akin, hindi naman sa iba. Para naman akong sira, hinayaan ko pang tumagal ito.

Nakakaiyak na naintindihan ko ang sarili ko sa parteng yun. Hindi na talaga ako masaya, kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong gawin nila, hindi ko kayang maging trabaho ko. Hindi ko kayang ipagpalit ang sarili ko sa trabaho ko. Ayokong ibigay.

Kailangang kumawala ako dito. Kakainin ako nito paunti-unti. Ang tanga ko din kasi, hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na magpaakit sa mga tukso na inialay nya. Ngayon, hirap akong makakawala.

Isang araw, makakamit ko din ang kalayaang minimithi. Isang araw.