My Sweetest Downfall

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met


- Regina Spektor, Samson


When I realized everything, you really are my sweetest downfall. You made me vulnerable, I have never realized that I am this fragile when it comes to this kind of feelings. This is the first time that it became intense. So intense that I have to lessen up my presence on the internet just to at least lessen up the feelings too. 


I feel so guilty, I think you already know now that I really liked you. But I did not like the response that I got, I do not understand why you made this distance with me. So, I closed everything when I made that statement. I still want to be your friend, for real.. So I am giving you this space. I am dying to end it but I'll come back when all of these feelings are gone. When I can accept everything with open arms. 


Why do I guilty? Friendship is all you can offer, and yet I am yearning for something else. I feel like betraying that thin line. I don't want that to happen. Liking friends has always been a betrayal for me, maybe if the feeling is mutual, probably not, but this is different. You are different. Well, I hope you don't feel guilty as well. This isn't about you. All of this, is for me. I don't want to betray this friendship that we have. 


I remember that Friday night, I really don't understand what were you thinking then, but whatever it is. I don't care anymore. Let's just pretend it didn't happen. I'm good at that. As I've said, I can always move on. But I want you to know what I felt, when I saw you, it seemed all of my blood in my body rushed thru my head and I could not breathe normally. I have to go somewhere far just to compose myself. If not for the things that I have to get to that area, I would've left immediately. When I saw you again, I tried calling you, but I could not fathom the strength and I don't know if you could either. So I went away. 


I wish when I meet you again this will all be gone or at least I can see you without the blood-gushing-to-my-head feeling. I want you to know that even it ended like this, I am thankful that you made me feel this way. So, this is how it feels. It made me feel better about myself. I am more driven to lose the weight, become pretty and be girly. 


I'll still continue all this me being a girl stuff you know. Now I know, I want to love, but this time, I want to be loved in return.