Nostalgia: Cabalian

Nostalgia is both a self-inflicted wound and the morphine you take for the pain - a perfect reprieve from the cold, cruel light of an untampered -with day. It hurts, but it's a good hurt.- Stacy Horn


I live everyday holding memories of the past. Somehow, I go on to the future clinging to the past. I savor each memory like food and taste it and devour it like crazy. And whenever I get good ones, I never get hungry for days. It's like I'm refreshed. 


Well, last week, I went home to our province. Not exactly my home, since I grew up at QC already but since both of my parents grew up there. I consider it my second home. I remember going home as one of my happy memories. I remember the excitement from different places. Whenever we are near the port of Manila, Whenever, I see the view of our place from Lepanto St. Bernard, whenever we are at the airport. I remember eating Crunch with my dad at the ships we rode. 


Whenever we are there, I remember the smell of kopras (coconut husk). It makes me feel at home, the smell of the sea, the wind, the fields, even the sound of the hurrying ordinary passenger buses and trucks. I also remember the people, my titas who smell you before they kiss your cheeks, the faces, the smiles, the language, the way people speak - angry like but nevertheless, still, home.


This year, since I became a jog-a-holic, I jog every morning to the fields. And it was fantastic, a new memory to live by. The morning light, the cold breeze, the people murmuring, seeing this new face running on the street, my favorite view of the mountain, my favorite tree scene, the distance, my first hour run.


Thanks to these memories, I feel refreshed going back to the city. Before coming in, I think I got depressed, I wasn't energized, I was everything negative, I could not accept what was happening to my life. Life wasn't accepting everything I wanted to happen. So, on the course of my stay, I accepted that it wasn't going happen. I was afraid to go back, because I know, I could get hurt again, I'll be disappointed, and then will never accept. But, I have to go back and get scarred some more. And after everything, I'll get used to it, and probably I would be able to figure out how not to have wounds again. 


Sorry for holding too much from the past. It's something I hold on to. Something that gets me going. I would probably post some more. I now know that I need to reminisce the good things in order for me to not dwell on bad feelings people and circumstances give me. I am in the process of learning everything. 


Maybe this is my year of learning before getting 30. Oh well. Hello life. :)