Nostalgia: Cabalian

Nostalgia is both a self-inflicted wound and the morphine you take for the pain - a perfect reprieve from the cold, cruel light of an untampered -with day. It hurts, but it's a good hurt.- Stacy Horn


I live everyday holding memories of the past. Somehow, I go on to the future clinging to the past. I savor each memory like food and taste it and devour it like crazy. And whenever I get good ones, I never get hungry for days. It's like I'm refreshed. 


Well, last week, I went home to our province. Not exactly my home, since I grew up at QC already but since both of my parents grew up there. I consider it my second home. I remember going home as one of my happy memories. I remember the excitement from different places. Whenever we are near the port of Manila, Whenever, I see the view of our place from Lepanto St. Bernard, whenever we are at the airport. I remember eating Crunch with my dad at the ships we rode. 


Whenever we are there, I remember the smell of kopras (coconut husk). It makes me feel at home, the smell of the sea, the wind, the fields, even the sound of the hurrying ordinary passenger buses and trucks. I also remember the people, my titas who smell you before they kiss your cheeks, the faces, the smiles, the language, the way people speak - angry like but nevertheless, still, home.


This year, since I became a jog-a-holic, I jog every morning to the fields. And it was fantastic, a new memory to live by. The morning light, the cold breeze, the people murmuring, seeing this new face running on the street, my favorite view of the mountain, my favorite tree scene, the distance, my first hour run.


Thanks to these memories, I feel refreshed going back to the city. Before coming in, I think I got depressed, I wasn't energized, I was everything negative, I could not accept what was happening to my life. Life wasn't accepting everything I wanted to happen. So, on the course of my stay, I accepted that it wasn't going happen. I was afraid to go back, because I know, I could get hurt again, I'll be disappointed, and then will never accept. But, I have to go back and get scarred some more. And after everything, I'll get used to it, and probably I would be able to figure out how not to have wounds again. 


Sorry for holding too much from the past. It's something I hold on to. Something that gets me going. I would probably post some more. I now know that I need to reminisce the good things in order for me to not dwell on bad feelings people and circumstances give me. I am in the process of learning everything. 


Maybe this is my year of learning before getting 30. Oh well. Hello life. :) 

Almost Forgotten Thoughts Box

There are times that I would think of something in the middle of something and then I thought of writing/blogging them down when I remember. But I usually don't so, here are some that I have gathered from my almost forgotten thoughts box. Well, now I get to think of so many things that I would like to say online, but I'd rather write them here in one sitting. Let's see if get to remember all the things I said I'll write. (Time range is from Sunday to now)


While Swimming earlier


I now know why you love snorkeling around here. I thought the view would be boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't near great but it was good. Something not to miss for. I'll try to explore more and see what the sea here offers.



While reading Murakami's book


I don't like running either. But there's something about running that I would like to conquer. I know my body is made for stamina, but I don't want to push it. Oh well, I hate running but the more I hate it the more I am loving it. You know what I mean? I hate it but I don't want to be beaten by it. And if I set something further, and I succeed, I win.

I want to try running here (in our province) the view is fantastic. I wanna breathe the morning air while I try to sweat my ass off. I reckon it'll be a good run. Cross fingers, I wish I could wake up early tomorrow!  



While at the bus on my way here (Sunday)



I guess people who are generous are selfish. If they don't do it (giving), they won't be able to sleep, eat or live their lives properly. So, they are selfishly selfless. I'm a loose screw am I? 



While walking around yesterday


If people are smart, would they stay here? What would become of their wants if they leave this place? Smart people have more 'wants' because they are smart enough to gather what they already need. Here I go again with the theories. No answer is needed. Just wondering.



While taking pictures yesterday


Why would people look if they see someone taking pictures? I know it's what you see everyday, but I don't. Let me take my pictures please. 



Woke up with a call from work asking me to do blah blah blah


I know, I should not whine with this. I should be thankful that I have a job. Remind self 1000x.


While blogging, NOW.


I lost all thoughts. Kaboom. Good night. I have to try and jog tomorrow. 


Oh well, I guess my brain is already saturated with all the things I wanted to do other than this. I thought of this while reading the Murakami book and got me inspired just to write anything. This just lead me nowhere but I guess it's a start.


Good night. I'll write again. Promise. 

Anesthesia

Minsan hindi ko alam kung nagmamanhid na ba lahat ng sakit o gumagaling na.

Sa aking wari'y inineksyunan ako ng anestesya ng tadhana upang makayanan ang sakit

At pagkatapos ng lahat ako'y makakalimot, pero ang sugat ay mag-iiwan ng peklat

Sa bawat tingin ko dito ay tila may kirot, ngunit hindi na ito kasing sakit ng dati.

Hindi na katulad ng dati.

Wisdom tooth/teeth

I think one of my right teeth is starting to annoy me. It hurts, but what's weird is that it only hurts for a while then disappears in a jiffy. It is bothersome, I already have Alaxan and Menefenamic acid on my med stash. I don't want this pain for too long. So, I went to see my dentist.

So, here I was under the dentist chair. I remember her saying from my last visit that if the right 2nd molar should hurt again she may have to either remove it or go for the root canal. I don't want to happen either, so the thought of it lingered as I was waiting for our checkup to start. Well, after the xray it revealed something I never thought possible. A 3rd molar is starting to grow, and it's pushing the 2nd molar, one of the probable reasons why it only hurts for a while because it's growing.

Third molar or the wisdom tooth as tey call it was something I thought it would never come. I thought it would come around when I was 24. But now, somehow, i think it grew just in time. Another one of those, just in time moments.

From my previous post, I was asking my dad how to figure these all out. How to survive this, claiming that this is my year, the year where I have to learn everything. I think the tooth came in at the time where I needed to learn my would-be-greatest lesson in life.

What it is, I still don't know, but the tooth just gave me hope. Hope that I will be able to get all of these by the year. An answered prayer, I will hold on. I will know. I will survive. I will figure things out, eventually. 😊

Aja! Aja wisdom tooth.

Hey there heaven Boy

Hey Paps,

I took this picture earlier because everyday, I think I am starting to look more like you. The puffy eyes, black lips, skin color, eyebrow, etc. I really am your daughter, we even share the same blood type. Also, I now have more white hairs and my face is more wrinklish than ever. (i don't think my moisturizers are workinng! Hehe)

I also think I am starting to live like you. Driving like crazy on highways, and even on non highways, cursing also became a part of driving as well. (I will try to be more mabait because I haven't gave them the finger yet ^_^ ) Like you, i also have gone places, you already knew abt Bohol and Caramoan. Well, I also have been to Coron and seen Bantayan Island, Sagada, Parts of Surigao, Iloilo, Guimaras Island.. Etc. I'm sorry I disappointed you in not going to Pulag yet. I'll go there when I have the time and the money.

Now I wonder if at this age, if you have figured out everything. Well, I guess not. You know how curious I am with things, sorry for asking. It's just that I hate this feeling, this feeling of being stuck with things. Stuck with the job that I am not good at, stuck with the boy who does not like me back, atuck with the weight i could not lose, stuck with the thought of not knowing what to do next, stuck with my siblings who does not know what to do with their life except for extreme drinking and smoking, stuck with a mom and a cousin who prefers watching tv rather than talking to me, stuck with the country where all of my friends end up leaving it, stuck stuck stuck.

Sorry pops, I know at this age, you probably believed I have figured this life out. But I haven't. Bit by bit i thought I already did, but no. The buzzers go off and I am still figuring things.

Well, I still believe in God. Sorry for not going to the church like you want me to. I love God, but I just don't believe in our church anymore. Eversince the RH bill started I could not believe these priests would meddle on women's health. I pray in my own little ways, but I can't feel Him anymore. Please ask God to enlighten me. In all ways. You are there with Him.

Oh well, I have been so dramatic these days. I cry almost 2x a week. I thought yesterday that maybe it is healthy to cry rather than supress all of these feelings but I think it's better to have all of these over. This is my year pops, i hope i get through. Oh God let me through.

Masud, my soulmate

I just saw today's youngblood. It was about her love for her dog and how she misses him. I thought about my dog and decided to make an eulogy for him, like I always do. :)

As I've narrated from my previous blog, Masud came to my life as a surprise. A friend gave me a dog before Masud came, Holgar, but he died a month after. Then, came this friendster ad about a man giving away puppies. I wasn't supposed to get one, really. I don't want to get hurt again. Good thing my father and sister convinced me to get it. The owner seem to want to give it to me to. The next thing I know, I was at the lobby of Horizon Condo at Ortigas waiting for the little puppy to arrive.

It was love at first sight, I will always remember that day. He was this little purse of fur, only a month old, he smelled like chocolates and he instantly wagged his tail when he was handed to me by his former owner. I can't help but love him right away. His owner was saying all his 'bilins' but since I was focused to the little fur, the only thing I remembered was 'No chocolates'. Weird. He smelled like one.

As I walked to the parking lot to get to where my father was. I thought of all the pain I experienced with Holgar. I was literally crying the whole time. I was afraid to love him, to be attached and take care of him. If I loved it, I don't want to let go of it. But my father and my sister insisted on taking care o it. It was too cute. Really he is. I can't help but fall in love fully.

My sister and I thought of a name, used a baby name book, opened a random page then whoalla, we saw the name Masud. It meant 'lucky one' from an Swahili/African language. He is indeed lucky. My sister and I had our jobs when he arrived. My mom did not like him though, he had this devilish brow, which I found cute but my mom didn't. She thought it was evil.

He did turn out to be an evil brat. He started destroying our shoes, slippers, undergarments (specifically brassieres) and napkins. He bit anyone of who tries to get what he's munching on. Good thing was, we all learned to clean and put things in place so he won't be able to reach it.

He also loves to go out of the house. If I say the magic word "Pasyal" he'll instantly run outside and wag his tail. I love pleasing him this way. Our little pasyals would sometimes comprise of walking him to the park, sometimes I drive him around. He's like a little boy when you get him places. Giddy and excited. I love seeing him like that.

Mind you, it's not only me who loves this little fur. I love the fact that the whole family also loves him. I remembered when he got sick, the vet prescribed several medicines. I got scared that he might not get thru because it was way too many and yiu have to give it to him on a specified time. I made a chart and pleaded everyone to give the meds when it is due. Gladly, the whole family helped, and thankfully, he was able to get thru. His good health was like the success of the whole family.

Having Masud in the family was like having another family member to love. He's not perfect, he bites, he could not even protect us from other dogs ( i have to carry him and shoo the other dogs away) but he came at the right time. I've always believed God always gives the perfect timing.

Why the perfect timing? Maybe my dad knew his time was up. That year he was insistent that we get a dog. He even accompanied me into getting Holgar from Valenzuela and Masud from Ortigas. I remember Masud being the sweetest dog ever, he will comfort you in times of sadness. When any of us gets sad or cry (not only me) he will comfort you by putting his head on your lap, licking your face, or just sit beside you, he'll let you feel his fur beside you. He'll let you know he's there. Almost 3 years after he came, my dad died. Perfect timing indeed.

With Masud, what I've realized is that we can never have it all. God will give us what we need WHEN we need it. He may not have given me the best breed of dog there is but he gave me the perfect one for me, for the family, the one best fit for me.

The dog's gone for about 2 months now. I still miss him. I still cry when I am reminded of him. He's just too special to let go. This time around, I am not afraid to love another dog though. If I did not take Masud in, I wouldn't have experienced all of these at all. Dogs have too much love to give and I don't want it to go to waste f I am given one again. Masud, I guess you've thought me that. :)

Simply Complicated Me

I believe what people say to me. Because they said it, I don't want to think other things rather than complicate myself with the thinking of what do they exactly mean with it.

I believe what people wants most people believe. As I said, I don't want to complicate myself. I am complicated enough to understand myself, why complicate my life more?

I hate counting with my mind. Or counting in general. Errr.. It's complicated, I hate it. My savings gone kaput because I suck at it. I tried writig it down. I still suck at it. Oh well. My highest grade on my board exams was math.... And I dunno why.

I hate being stuck. I hate traffic, waiting in a veerrry long line and a very slow elevator. I want to keep on moving.

Which leads to my life now. Stuck as fuck. Why am I writing this? Because. I am stuck, and it's complicated because I can't seem to move elsewhere. I thought I could find answers while writing.

... Sadly, I didn't.. Jeeezz..

Short Attention Span

I admit I'm a person with short attention span. When I was a young girl, I would often space out in class. My mind would wander off somewhere in between time, adventure, and whatever. I did not like school back then. I would only listen to the teacher if he/she could really tell a good story or if I am interested in what she is saying.

I realized this when I was already reaching high school. I realized, I could have gotten better grades if I listened carefully. So, I tried changing my lifestyle at High School. Since I changed schools, I thought it would be a good start. I learned that by writing, I could probably get somewhere in the ranks if I tried it.

Well, it somehow did, but it wasn't enough. My memory only catered to what I really wanted. I don't remember things that I don't want to remember, so I have to learn to like things. I have learned that sometimes, I am not right about myself and my usual prejudices. So, I learned to like math, learned to read carefully, listen carefully.. etc.. I have learned everything I need to be able to learn more. High School was the stage where I pushed myself in terms of how much I can really learn.

I was able to do it. I got high grades during the senior year. Turns out I'm right about myself. But when I turned college, What I've learned in high school about myself was never enough. This time, I learned to write every time I hear. It was hard for me to memorize things, but when I write them. Somehow, I remember a part of it. Another cure for my attention span. It got me through. But still it wasn't enough.

Well, after all of this efforts, I am still me. I could do a lot of things to get my attention but unless it's something of interest, I really wouldn't mind listening. Sometimes, i try to repeat everything one person just to make them feel that I am really making an effort to listen. And mind you, I have short attention but I'm pretty good at remembering. I guess I know, I will always space out or just think of something or do something when someone just got me into conversation but please do mind that I am always trying to be attentive and whatever I am picking up I will remember.

Working at Starbucks

Not really working for them but just finishing my work. While waiting for my friend to arrive, I decided to finish one of my pending emails to my boss (out of the thousand things that needs to be done). It's a first but I think it's better that I sometimes go outside my desk and do some of my work.

Well, I loved it. I think people should try it too. Sometimes i wanna bang my head in the table just to get the ideas out of it. At least here, I don't have to pressure myself that much.

Tea anyone? :)

My Happy Thought

This is my dog, Masud. One of my happy thoughts. Earliest memory of him, comprises of fur and smell of chocolates. And I have been in love with this bag of fur ever since.

I remember seeing this ad on friendster and I was just wondering whether the puppies were already vaccinated or not, a puppy of mine just died days before I saw this ad. I was so depressed (at that time) and I had no one at home and this ad seemed to appeal to me. See, this guy is giving away his puppies after trying to sell them for 2.5k pesos. He said the puppies had to go soon, since he is residing on a condo unit at Ortigas and having too many pets was (I guess) against the rules.

Anyway, i am really not into pets at that time. As I have mentioned, a puppy just died on me days before seeing this ad. Call it chance or fate but it just gave me another shot by letting me see this one tiny ad on friendster. My dad, convinced me to have it, he will accompany me in getting the little dog. Well, soon enough, I am seeing myself in the lobby of Horizon condominium. Waiting for this Randy guy to give me his puppy. Upon seeing them, i could not explain, he was this tiny bunch of fur. I got excited. You could carry him by the hand, and upon seeing me, his tiny tail started wagging. It was so cute. I couldn't help it but to be attached quickly to this little fella.

I'll never forget that day. And from then on, he has been giving me lots of joy. He gives it bit by bit. A simple gesture of putting his chin on our laps, Greeting us merrily when we arrive home, licking our cheeks when we cry, the feel and warmth of his fur when I sleep at night, and being at my father's side when he was still around. I love to remember that fetching that cute mutt on Ortigas was the last thing my father and I did together. And i'll try not to let go of it. Never.

Having this dog is one of the greatest blessings ever. I may not have Holgar, the last dog, who was someone with breed, intelligent, not fluffy and unique. But I had Masud instead, someone whom I really needed. God knew what was to come and he gave him to me just at the right time. And I've always thanked him since then, coz He chose the right one for me. And whenever I am in grief, I am always reminded of this thought. All of these things, about my dog, are just enough to make me smile and just move on. Well, this is just one happy thought. I have to remember all those other thoughts. I really need 'em this time.




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