Thank you August

I just finished Water for Elephants today, not so much of a good book, but there's a character there named August. He has paranoid schizophrenia (which I don't think he has, bipolar personality, probably) and he is charming when he's in good mood but totally evil when not. I think my August also became like August, the character. This August I got the most highs, the most good, and the most lows, but I think this is for 2011 only. This month really changed me.

The highs, this month, I've made and rekindled my friendship with most of my friends and acquaintances. Got drunk, learned Aikido, lost more weight, got Makati City on my mind city map, made more job done (though there's still more, but I am more determined to finish them all), and I think for the first time, ... never mind.

Which brings me to my extreme low, I think I fell in love or I think I liked a guy. And I wanna diss it out already. I think it'll lead me to nowhere, and I don't want to waste time liking the guy. It's sad. I think this is the farthest I've gone in an attempt to get the guy I like. But, well, maybe I'm just closing the doors, or I dunno. I think, for now, it's best to accept that we'll just be friends, and if something develops from there on. I think it won't be any soon. This feelings just fuels me to move - To go with the highs. It feels good. I feel recharged.

August is just another month of the year. I guess, there's still more in store for me this coming 2011. I have two trips coming up, birthday, christmas and new year. So many things to look forward to.

Pag-iisa

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, nakakalungkot daw gawin ang mga bagay-bagay mag-isa. Nagtataka ako kung bakit. Madalas kasi, mas gusto kong ginagawa ang mga bagay ng mag-isa. Gaya ng panonood ng sine, kain at pagsshopping. Napagtanto ko na masaya naman din naman ang may kasama, pero may ibang saya kapag mag-isa ka lang. 

Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng nobyo simula nang ipinanganak ako. Hindi ko pa nararanasan ang lungkot ng pag-iisa. Pero parang alam ko na yung pakiramdam ng nasaktan dahil sa pag-ibig. Hindi naman isyu sa akin ang hindi pagkakaroon ng nobyo. Karamihan ng mga kaibigan ko, talagang naghahanap, pati lalaki. Sabi nga ng dati kong boss, hangga't hindi mo nararanasan, hindi mo mararamdaman ang pakiramdam. Ako, kung sa listahan ko ng mga gusto kong gawin, huling-huli sya. Dahil siya ang pinakamalabong mangyari, mas gusto kong mauna yung mga bagay na mas mangyayari. Hindi pa naman ako nalulungkot sa pagiging mag-isa. Pero binalaan na ako ng tiyahin at boss kong matandang dalaga. Ayaw kong matakot, pero walang dahilan para ikalungkot ang mga ganyang bagay. Masyadong maraming bagay ang nangyayari sa mundo para lang umikot sa pag-ibig sa isang tao. 

Naisip kong mas magiging malaya ka sa mga bagay kung kaya mong gawin ang mga bagay ng mag-isa. Mas malaya ka sa mga iniisip ng tao, sa mga gusto mong gawin at sa nais mong mangyare. Mas nababawasan ang pag-aalangan mo sa buhay. Sa akin, yun yung importanteng aral na natutunan ko sa lahat ng pagiging mag-isa ko. Mas hindi ako takot, mas naging matapang ako. Para akong nakakawalang ibon sa tuwing may nagagawa akong bagay na mag-isa. 

May mga bagay pa rin akong kinakatakutang gawing mag-isa. Pero isa-isahin ko sila habang buhay pa ako. Pero paunti-unti nararamdaman kong isa akong malayang nilalang. Diyos na lang ang bahala sa akin. Gusto kong dumating ang panahon na pati kamatayan, hindi ko na rin katatakutan. 

Letter to you, whoever you are

Well, my Tumblr account just led me to this young man who confesses about his feelings - aka love life and the likes of it . His blog is kinda cute and it just inspired me to write something about my lovelife as well. Errrr. not really my current lovelife, because I have none as of now, but I would like to write to someone from the future. Maybe we have met, maybe not, but I hope you read this by accident. This will serve as your warning letter from me. Ha-ha. Here it goes:

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Dear Future Man,

Good luck. I think I am going to be your worst nightmare. I will always wonder why you chose me, but I know being with me is like riding the worst roller coaster ride of your life - twisty and barf-y.

I think I have bipolar personality disorder, I have extreme high and extreme low days. When I am on my extreme high, be prepared to be annoyed, I'll annoy you like how I annoy everyone here at home (including my dog). I'll wake you up on your sleep and bother you the whole time you are around me. I'll sing you an annoying song, pinch you, pull your hair, call you annoying names etc. I hate to be ignored and I'll be a lot happier if you got annoyed. (Yeah, it is a crazy day! If you don't like it, just stay away from me when I just ate something sweet then I drank coke afterwards) On extreme low days, I would probably not see you or I will - depends. I'll just stay in my room, either to read books, listen to my fave Sara Bareilles song or just or go to the mall alone and shop. Just let me be on these days. I need this time alone.

I am always late but I hate waiting. Weird no? This has exceptions though, I can wait for those people who have waited for me for hours. Haha.. Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood. I will never be late for a period, but I will be soon. And you'll wait for hours, believe me, I tried not to make people wait, but I always fail at that. Maybe it's the procrastination that delays everything. I hate waiting in lines and traffic. I hate being stuck in a place, maybe it's okay for me to wait for a person because you can still leave while waiting.

I hate smokers. I wish when I meet you or if we're together you'll stop smoking. Smoking is BAD for your health. If ever I marry you, I want to see our children grow with their father. I want you to see who they marry and your future grandchildren. I want you to live longer, and i don't want to see you die like my father did. He suffered like hell, and just thinking about it makes me cry. I don't want any of our children to experience the pain. It's hard to forget.

I hate wussies. If there's one thing I hate about some men is being a wussy. If you don't have the balls to be my man or at least be more manly than me then just fuck off. I'm serious. If you're gay it's okay. If not, then just get the hell out of my face... I've met guys like that and they've heard nothing but cuss words from me. I don't want you to hear the same. I think if you'll be more manly than me, I'll be just fine.

If ever, you will be my first boyfriend. I will always wonder why you chose me like how I wonder how I got the sweetest dog in the world. It'll always be a mystery. As my friend Jeddah said, we are not common girls, we're not pretty, girly and we act like tomboys. I will always try to be your girl and I will always treat you as my man. Just don't be a wuss!

I will always make time for you. I don't know how. But I will always make a way. I am a busy girl. My cousin told me that I always pre-occupy myself with things. And yeah, I have a life before you came in.  I am actually afraid of you. I am afraid that my world would revolve around you and forget everything that I have now. I hope you will always remind me of who I am and I hope I don't drag you out of your own world too. I want you to have your own life and live it as you wish.

Well, I hope we get together well, we may quarrel or do some crazy stuff against each other,  but I hope, in the end, we always make ways to understand each other. I know life isn't perfect. I want to be your bestfriend. I want to be someone who can be your confidant in times of trouble. I want to protect you from everything that may hurt you. I want you to be always alright - even if I'm super duper mad at you. I want to travel around and collect keychains, photographs and memories with you.

Lastly, I want to know love from you. I don't really understand why people can't live with it. As I write this, I admit that I like one person now, probably more than like but I think he doesn't like me. (or I'd like to think he doesn't like me to lessen the pain) I can live with this thought, I don't sulk or cry all day just because this guy does not want to be with me. I can always do other things than think of him. I want you to let me know why some people do so - why some people can't bear the thought of having their significant other leave their side. I want to know why it hurts sooo bad.

But this doesn't mean you can break my heart, i just want to know why. I want you to show me what love is (yeah just like the song - hahaha). In return, what I can give you is my love. I will love you the best way I know how. And when we meet, I will always hope that it is enough.

Or not. Just tell me.

See you soon.

Love,

Abi

PS

I hope my mom is wrong about you dying on a war. I hope we still meet.

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There. I'm uber cheesy regarding this one. I hope you don't get me back on this one, whoever you are. I might be wrong here. I might change. I might die not meeting you. I may have a list of speculations but whatever thoughts I have, this is what I currently feel about you Mr Boyfie. So don't be complacent, I maybe more hell-ish than what I have written here. Hahaha. Just kidding.

I never finish anyth

Ang dami kong nakapilang blog posts. AT ayaw kong suotin tong damit na ito, alam ko matatapos din ako! Arrggh. Bakit ang dami kong naiisip isulat di naman ako writer? Sabagay, naisip ko kanina, mas dapat akong magsulat kasi nga hindi nga ako writer at hindi ako magaling mag-ingles. Kaya dapat mag-ingles ako at magsulat para mas makapagpractice. Ewan ang gulo ko. @_@

Pero, di ako magsisimula ngayon, magtatagalog ako. Sinasabi ko lang yung nasa isip ko. Natatawa na kasi ako ang dami kong draft posts. Pero ni isa wala akong natatapos. Hindi ko nabubuo ang mga thoughts ko ngayon. Nakakamiss din magsulat naman eh. Kanina, tinatapos ko yung isang blog, pero nagdalawang isip akong ipost, kasi parang hindi buo yung kwento. Magandang practice pala ito sa paggawa din ng mga presentations. Kasi mahina ako sa paggawa ng kwento. Sana may training ako ulit sa paggawa ng presentation. Aayusin ko na sa susunod.

Sobrang dami kong naiisip ngayong gawin. Hindi ko natatapos, hindi ko napupuntahan at hindi ko nagagawa. Dapat talaga ayusin ko na muna lahat.... Or ako lang siguro ang napapraning. May natatapos naman talaga ako, hindi ko lang ramdam na tapos na. (Ay binawi pa!) Pero ang kagandahan ngayon, parang narealize ko na marami pala akong oras. Kaso, dahil alam kong marami akong oras, marami na rin akong gustong ibang gawin. Hindi maganda.

Basta tatapusin ko lahat. Tapos na ako sa pictures ni Eden, pictures na lang ni Chin na sana matapos ko bago magLunes. Yung plano ng bahay, paguusapan na namin ni Ron sa Sunday. Nakapagpacheck up na ako last Sat, at babalik ako ngayong Sat para sa resulta ng ultrasound, so sana maging okay na yun. Sana makapunta ako ng lab sa Sat para tapusin ang mga trabaho dun. So, trabaho na lang yung parang may posibilidad na hindi matapos. (haha. At kelan ba natatapos yan?) Parang mali ang pagpaplano ko ah, dalawang araw lang ang weekend di ba?

Adik. Matutulog na nga ako. Naka-coffee pala ako kanina. Grr... Good nightie.

Music Much?

Me thinks I'll probably be deaf at the age of thirty. My audiometry test revealed my right ear (or left.. errr.. I forgot..) is partially deaf. Wow, if I were right, I only have 2 1/2 years to put up with my headphones.

I really would like to take care of my eardrums. But, I am currently having a hard time concentrating nowadays. And those headphones in my ears create this bubble that helps me focus on what I am doing. I have sooo many distractions, and I can be easily distracted. One question, and then pooof, I leave what I am doing.

Anyway, I love how music does this to me. It's like it possesses me and brings me to another dimension. Whenever i have those headphones in my ear, it's like I have a world on my own. Sometimes, I even imagine the lyrics and make myself the protagonist of the story. One time, I cried while listening and singing to the song AT THE OFFICE! It was one of my down moments, I was trying to figure out what I was feeling after hearing the news about my dad's cancer. After hearing the song, I realized that I was really sad. I am sad that it happened to the family and to my dad. Thanks to Avril Lavigne's Nobody's Home.

It doesn't just make me sad, it also gets me going to get the job done. It's like batteries to my brain (of course, sometimes I add coffee to my system to get myself go further - but I don't do that everyday due to my uric acid count). It gets me going to do things efficiently especially in post processing pictures and doing some data entry work.

I love how it moves me physically and emotionally. I cannot just take the headset away from my ear. When I do something, me and the music merge into one and do some beautiful magic together. I love it. I guess I'll just regularly see the EENT for my ears. I need to hear music until death!

Sleep deprived - Caffeinated.

It's already 1am and I couldn't sleep, I ate something I shouldn't have before bedtime, that coffee frosty something from Wendy's did it. Now, I have tons of thoughts and I don't need them in this time of the day. I have to sleep. 

I remembered before, I used to create all my drawings, school projects at night. It is because this is the time when I am in the peak of my creativity. But I didn't need coffee then, I just did everything magically on those wee hours of the day. Now, I need to do some sleeping, or else, I'll be doomed tomorrow. I wish I can sleep instantly. 

I should always remind myself with this, if I drank coffee in the morning, I shouldn't be drinking anything with caffeine or eating something sweet in the evening. Or else, this, happens. I am pissed. I keep on forgetting. 

Well, since this is already the situation. I will be to forcing myself to sleep. Good night. 

Busy Procrastinating

Actually, I am busy this July. Really, I am busy. This entry will not be possible had I not been procrastinating... AGAIN!

Anyway, I have lots of projects this month. This is all a good thing and a bad thing, depends on what will happen in the coming days. This month, I have two prenups, (I don't know if the other one will push, but I really hope it will), one maternity shoot and one house to design and construct.

The house is a surprise. I didn't take my mom seriously. She was bugging me to create the design, architectural and structural. I wasn't paying attention because I'm used to her saying it to me all the time. This time, she's dead serious.

My weekends will be full of those stuff.

I just slept while writing this. Haha. I really am so lazy. I have to wake up and do all of these stuff!!!! Tootles. :)

My Sweetest Downfall

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met


- Regina Spektor, Samson


When I realized everything, you really are my sweetest downfall. You made me vulnerable, I have never realized that I am this fragile when it comes to this kind of feelings. This is the first time that it became intense. So intense that I have to lessen up my presence on the internet just to at least lessen up the feelings too. 


I feel so guilty, I think you already know now that I really liked you. But I did not like the response that I got, I do not understand why you made this distance with me. So, I closed everything when I made that statement. I still want to be your friend, for real.. So I am giving you this space. I am dying to end it but I'll come back when all of these feelings are gone. When I can accept everything with open arms. 


Why do I guilty? Friendship is all you can offer, and yet I am yearning for something else. I feel like betraying that thin line. I don't want that to happen. Liking friends has always been a betrayal for me, maybe if the feeling is mutual, probably not, but this is different. You are different. Well, I hope you don't feel guilty as well. This isn't about you. All of this, is for me. I don't want to betray this friendship that we have. 


I remember that Friday night, I really don't understand what were you thinking then, but whatever it is. I don't care anymore. Let's just pretend it didn't happen. I'm good at that. As I've said, I can always move on. But I want you to know what I felt, when I saw you, it seemed all of my blood in my body rushed thru my head and I could not breathe normally. I have to go somewhere far just to compose myself. If not for the things that I have to get to that area, I would've left immediately. When I saw you again, I tried calling you, but I could not fathom the strength and I don't know if you could either. So I went away. 


I wish when I meet you again this will all be gone or at least I can see you without the blood-gushing-to-my-head feeling. I want you to know that even it ended like this, I am thankful that you made me feel this way. So, this is how it feels. It made me feel better about myself. I am more driven to lose the weight, become pretty and be girly. 


I'll still continue all this me being a girl stuff you know. Now I know, I want to love, but this time, I want to be loved in return. 

Lakad ng lakad

Nung college, naalala ko, ako ang binansagang Sto ninong gala at taong lahat malapit basta lakaran. Basta may oportunidad maglakad, naglalakad ako. Sa Maynila kasi laging traffic, syempre bilang batang buzzer beater sinasakto ko lang lagi ang oras papasok ng eskwelahan. Ayun, pagnagtraffic lang ng konti, makikita mo na akong tumatakbo sa Espana. At pag traffic din naman pabalik, ganun din, lakad.
Kapag masama din ang loob ko, naglalakad din ako. Parang kasing nakakawala sya ng sama ng loob sa bawat hakbang. Dati nga umiyak pa ako habang naglalakad, malabas ko lang lahat. Lahat ng ito nagagawa ko noon.

Kinain na siguro ng katamaran ko kaya kinalimutan ko na ang paglalakad. Kung pwedeng i-jeep, ijjeep ko na lang. Katamaran talaga, ayan gigantic patas ang inabot ko. Ngayong nandito ako sa Makati para sa isang project, parang nanumbalik ang pagiging sto ninong gala ko. Eto lang kasi yung lugar na hindi ko pa nakakabisa, para akong batang nasa ibang lugar kapag nandito. Kaya eto.


Isang malaking hamon sa akin ang pangangabisa ng mga lugar. Hindi sa ayaw kong mawala, pero parang bala mo kasi kung kabisado mo yung lugar. Kapag gusto mong pumunta sa isang lugar, makakatipid sa oras, di mo na kailangsn magtanong, di mo na kailangang maghanap. Tapos kung may humahabol sa iyo, alam mo kung san tatakbo at magtatago(bakit may ganyan? Hahaha.)

Kaya sa paglalakad may nadagdagan na naman akong kaalaman. Yun ang mahalaga dun, karagdagang benepisyo na lang ung pinawisan ako at pumayat. Gumagaan din ang pakiramdam ko at tila nanunumbalik ang lakas ng loob ko. Lakad ng loob para sa lahat ng bagay, kasi may alam na akong bagong lugar ~ salamat sa paglalakad.

Sleep

Before, I usually sleep a lot. When I say a lot, I mean 12 hrs or more (Sometimes the whole day, depending on how the week went). On weekends, I usually sleep all day, especially on sundays.

Now, I think, when I sleep, I am wasting time. There's so much more that I can do instead of sleeping. There's so much thing to learn, relationships to build, things to think, blogs to write, books to read.. etc. I know we need to sleep to energize, but.. what if tomorrow will never come for us? What if the world will end tomorrow? I just can't bear the thought of not being able to do all of these things... when I had the time, because I just slept.

Oh well. This is just me. Good night.