Starting all over again, at 37

I am turning 38 this year, but I just turned 37 last October 2020, so still, I am technically 37. I resigned from my work last January 31, 2021, amidst this uncertainty this whole pandemic brought to this world. There are several reasons why I did it, but it all boils down to the fact that I was no longer happy with everything that is happening there. And even though I am already considered to be old for the job market, I still think it was good timing - my mom still has a job and I am still single (yeah for the first time, being single was the best status I am ever on). 

I have been contemplating doing this. When I entered my previous company, I thought it was the place I was going to retire to. It had everything that I prayed for a workplace to be - good pay, benefits, working conditions, extracurriculars, training, travel, etc. But, in the long run, I realized that I did not provide anything that will boost my psychological health. During my stay, I was plagued by thoughts of being not enough - for my current role, for the company, as a friend to my colleagues, as a potential partner, etc. It was a psychological nightmare, I was always on the defensive side to everything. 

So, since I have money in my account and a small business running, I finally did it. After years of really wanting to do this to really deciding to do it. 

I am afraid though. What if I made the wrong decision? 

This has been my fear, the thing that made me not leave because of this dilemma. I have seen people leave then return again to the company. What if I become one of them? But the longer I stay, the bigger question still lingers, what if I go?

The biggest lesson, I have learned from this pandemic was that life is short. If I continue staying in a place where I do not feel appreciated, I do not feel loved, where every emotion roller coaster peaks come from every side of the job, it is not psychologically healthy. I want to be the best me I can ever be, every day. I really have to go. 

Don't get me wrong though, I loved the friends I have made during my stay and some of the colleagues and bosses I have encountered. There was a time that I really loved my job, and there were really good memories, and I am still thankful for my 13 years of employment. 

So now, I am creating this blog (creating a new one again but I will be staying here) to jot down everything - decisions, new things, successes, everything. 

Why though? I tried looking for inspiration in this phase of my life and it seems that no one wrote about it. I don't want to be someone people to be looked at, I just want people to know that if you are quitting at an age same as mine, it is never too late. 

Just like how people say that JK Rowling got her Harry potter success in her thirties, Col. Rogers got successful in his KFC recipe at the age of 60-ish, I want to be one of those people who chased doing what they want even at a later age. We can all do it, we just have to make the first step. This is my step. 

Wish me luck. :) 

   

Unfair

If I am being unfair to you, I am so sorry
Every minute, every hour that I know I am not with you, I go crazy
Feeling I am supposed to be there, but I am not. I will not be.
I know we are supposed to be friends, but I can't be friends with someone I deeply loved.
I will just fall over and over again
And I will just hurt myself more
I need to protect myself, I thought I can do it with us being friends
But not, I can't, my heart can't, my mind can no longer tolerate
This is my sorry letter to you
I am so sorry I am doing this
I need myself, my sanity and my heart intact
I cannot do this with you around
You somehow could change my sanity in a blink of an eye
You are far more insane mind you but you somehow make me make up our gap
I am not putting the blame on you
This is on me
I am sorry for putting more distance between us
You are doing the right thing, keep on doing it
I need this distance
I am so sorry for being selfish
In time, when you realize it - what I've done - I hope you forgive me
I have the best intentions
Anyway, I still care I just don't show it, I hope you will get more better
I hope and wish you all the best
Also, I wish you wisdom
To learn and to accept things easily
The world is not against you and it won't be in a million gazillion years
Always take care of yourself, I wish you find someone who will take care and will love you more than I could
And I wish, by the day he/she comes you will be man enough not to let her/him (whatever your preference will be) go.
And you will do it because of the thought of not having him/her for the rest of your life kills you.
I hope this will be my last post about you
I will be moving on from now on
I am so ready
Please wish me well
Till we meet again

Absentmindfulness

I know I've been a klutzy girl ever since the world began. I've been trying different approach to things to prevent the world from me being a klutz. So, now, the inevitable is happening again, my klutz self is back, with a vengeance. How so? Let me count the ways.

Saturday - Sept 1, 2012

Saturday is my badminton day, but I usually prepare my things in the morning because I go for a run on a Friday night. So Sat morning, I unpack my running things and load my badminton gear. Then, I left home and rode the FX to Welcome and then took a nap. Upon, waking up at Sto Domingo church (which was about 1km away from the court) I remembered not packing the darned shoes. I checked my bags, I know I did not have it in, but still checked it anyway (a miracle may happen perhaps) but NO it wasn't there. So boohoo, I went home and got my shoes.

Monday - Sept 3, 2012

In between days, I try to go for a run. So this Monday, I decided to run. Since I will be taking home the pick up service, I chose to run at the nearby running area I could get. Since Eric was the last man on board, I decided to run near his place, the Marikina Sports Plaza.

I am already excited in running to this place, since this is a first for me. So, upon reaching the cr, I went for a pee first then remembered something, I FORGOT MY FRIGGIN SHORTS. Yeah you read that right, I forgot it again. Earlier this day, I remembered getting the shorts from the clothesline, since I washed it the day before. But, again, I forgot. Good thing though, there were stores outside the center that have cheap shorts (I even bought an extra cycling shorts for 38php good deal eh? - but this is not what we're talking about aren't we? hehe). So, I still ran. Good heavens.

Tuesday - Sept 4, 2012

I know I am a good driver, I am good in estimating distances, when to go fast, when to go slow, how to park etc. But this day, wasn't so me. I ate somewhere before going home, and in order for me to leave the place, I have to back up to the highway. I wasn't able to check the car on my side. The driver already horned the hell out of his wits but I still did not stop. Good thing, the wheel only scratched a portion of the driver's side door. As in, no depth scratch about 4 inches in length. I gave him my license number and calling card just in case. Stupid stupid me.

Wednesday - Sept 5, 2012.

So, the absentmindedness streak begins. I decided not to drive after returning the pick up to the office. Good thing, Kuya Ric took the service and fetched the calibrators. I know I am not so safe on road. And I am feeling a little woozy starting Tuesday (this may be due to the long commute to and from the office, I am at Bicutan office). Anyway, this is not the story, in the afternoon, I went to the head office for a meeting. Then, worked there for a while, went for the gym and head straight home. Upon reaching home, I realized I forgot the following:

1. Nokia Charger at the Bicutan Plant Office
2. My favorite Jacket at Aggregates Office Room
3. Mouse at Aggregates Office Room

Good thing I'm on leave starting yesterday till today. I really need to catch up with myself. I think I am doing way too much stuff that I could not handle. I can't seem to remember the little things. I wish I could just forget some memories to make way for these. Sigh.

Oh well, this is life. I have to make a way to improve this. Cross fingers!

Nostalgia: Cancer

I watched the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close earlier, it was this story about a kid looking all over NY for a lock, using his father's clues. His father died on the 9-11 terrorist attack before he went looking. Somehow, I think, the story is all about closure, how he moves on with the death of his dad.

I remember one scene when he told Mr. Black that he never told anyone about how he was afraid to answer the phone when his dad called. His father was already at the World Trade center bldg, and the plane already crashed into it, it's just that the building has not fallen yet. He heard his father's voice on the machine saying, "Are you there? Are you there?..." until the building collapsed.

The kid felt sorry that he did not answer, he could not muster up the courage to be "just there" for his dad. This got me remembering the time my mom told me about my dad's condition.

I think it was a Sunday, since we the before we went to Ocean park and Star City for our company's annual family day, this is held every Saturday, so I think I am right. Anyway, days before this my dad had a lung biopsy. So on this day, Sunday, I jwoke up with our phone's loud ring, and then I hear my mom on the other end crying. In between tears, she told me that my dad already has Lung Cancer, Stage 4 and he only has 6 mos to live.

Upon hearing it, I could not feel anything. It was something, I knew was coming but, I did not expect it to come this way. My mom told me not to tell my dad so I did not make any drama on the phone that day, i just said okay then hung up. I lied down on my bed thinking about it, I could not cry. It just numbed me up.

Then, Monday came, I think I'm still in shock with the news. I remember everything being slow and the sky being bright, it was May 2008. While walking to Edsa Central, I was trying to reassess my feelings, I could not understand, why. Why am I not sad with my dad's condition? Is it because I knew it would come? I already told him all the risks, but why am i this way? am I not afraid to lose him in my life?

This is not until I sat on my desk and listened to Avril lavigne's Nobody's Home. I cried, on my desk. The song just made me understand how i felt. I am sad. It's just that I am in shock. I could not react easily to it. I am sad that I did not empathize with my mom, I am sad that I was feeling this way. Good thing though, I realized that I am really sad that I was losing my only dad. The only one I have.

The line that made me cry really was the part that "she wants to go home but nobody's home, it's where she lies, broken inside". I felt broken that one part will be gone and will never ever come back. He has been a big part of me, he's my dad, my mentor, my story teller, my darts teacher, my dog's am, my pet's amo.

Anyway, after all of it happened. I don't know what happened next. I just remembered his sisters coming in our house to take care of him. Then crying outside because he was bleeding. His face, his lips, etc. They could not bear it. Me neither.

Anyway, given that my father's spirut was larger than expected he survived the 6mos. But the worst was not over, he started feeling numbness on his feet, and by Feb 2009, he could no longer walk. He was admitted to Lung center, where he got worse. The bleeding came back, this time it included his eyes, his nose, and another sister came in. And I pity her for seeing my dad this way, this was not a good memory to remember.

I also remember me, still opting to go to Caramoan even though he was already this way. I actually have no idea because he talked (on the phone) to me while I was there. He told me that he saw on tv that Kuya Kim said that Caramoan is a beauty. When I came back, his eyes were bloodshot, and his nose were already bleeding. His platelet was dropping and I was enjoying myself out.

I could not bear seeing my dad this way really. He was my first jogging buddy, he snorkled the seas of Batangas and Cabalian, he climbed Mt. Pulag, Pinatubo, Arayat, Cabalian, etc, he buried my Holgar, he drove me to Ortigas to get Masud, he fetched me to the airport coming from Davao and Lugait, to me he was strong. I want to remember him strong.

When I see him sick on his bed and even now that he's gone, the only memory I would like to remember was the time he fetched me to the airport coming from Lugait, this was 2008 and I made lambing to him to fetch me. So when our car came up, I saw him from a distance - Smiling, red cheeks, teeth showing, and he got fat. I smiled, he never looked this handsome before. I greeted him and complimented how good he looked and he was happy that he looked that way. He stopped smoking for months and I was happy that he was healthy, he was beautiful, he is my strong dad. I will always remember my dad that way. Always.

I love my dad, I guess the movie just got my feelings back on how it was missing the dad and moving on with it. I am moving on of course, I just sorta miss him. I just remember that time in the airport and I am okay. :)

2 Days Productive kuno

It is the rainy season, and we were allowed not to report for work due the hazards we may pass on our way to our workplace (especially for me, since my workplace is about 20kms away). I've watched the news and voila, there is flood in all highways that I will have to pass. So, I stayed.

So, I know I said that I would have to stay away from the internet for a while. I actually did, but at home, it is inevitable. So, I used the internet to remind and announce to all people I know about the current situation here. I liked some stuff on FB hoping that other contacts would see the gravity of the situation, esp OFW and kins outside Manila contacts.

In line with the internet thingy, I also made a blog. This one and on the other one, because I have been thinking of triathlons and I have been reading on how to prepare. Good luck to me on that note.

Then, I read two books, i finished reading Fifty shades and started ad finished The Curious Incident on the Night-time. Both different, both quite okay. Then, I also covered, in plastic, all the books I recently bought, I think it was a total of 5, plus Ame's book.

I covered the books while I was watching Bourne. Since Bourne Legacy will be showing this week (I think first day is today or yesterday), I asked Mike, my colleague to give me a copy of the three movies before Legacy so that I could catch up with the story. The three movies were easy to watch, and it is fast. It was action filled and I love love it. Taken is better though but it's cool. I watched them all in one day, then my eyes got tired. I'm not used in watching nowadays.

Since, I could not jog anywhere, and unfortunately, we already disassembled our nifty treadmill so I just did the one hour Simply Yoga exercise from my iPhone. I have to train myself for Sunday's run, if not, I am doomed. I might not make it to the finish line. This is my 2nd 16k, so don't mind me for getting the jitters here hehe.

Of course, how can anyone forget sleeping on cold days like these. I know, I shouldn't because my face would blow up like a balloon again, but I have a million hrs of sleep debt and this is the time where I can catch up. I'm sure I really haven't filled all of my debts but I'm sure I could be half way there.

Then, there's nonstop bonding with my cousin, my mom, sister and brother, etc. So, I guess this two days have been productive. But there was one thing I have forgotten to do, it is to clean my bloody room. I keep reminding myself to do it, but I can't. I already did the laundry, my clothes have already been folded into place. The room is just messy. Ugh.

Oh well, I can't still do it all. I hope I can do it sometime. Tomorrow or the weekend, I don't know. I'll be busy again with other stuffs outside of our house after this (running, badminton, aikido, meetup with friends, then check up again with the OB. Spell busy abi, Jeez louise).

I hope the rain subsides by then. I am just happy I was able to stay at home and do other stuffs besides the one I have been trying to get used to (err the routine mentioned above). Well, I therefore conclude a break in the routine is good. We may accomplish other small things that we have in the back of our minds. :)

Writing Rehab

An officemate told me that one of our ex-colleagues will be coming back from Taiwan. Since we both love pens, she then told me to tell him to buy us some colorful Gtech pens, which I did. And then when he came back, I was more than thrilled to have it with a free pen case (which he bought, thanks again).

I am into Scrapbooks and having a bunch of office supplies on my big case (yes, I have a big case of artsy things on my room) gives me relief. Whenever I think of something to do, i just get to that big case and I never ran out of things to do. But now, recently, i decided to Get cold turkey on the social networking and anything related to it. I admit, I still come and visit but I do not post a lot of things anymore and I stayed away from everything that got me hurt in the first place. After I was bullied online, after all the tears and all the other drama shit, I was pushed to make the decision. Everyone doesn't have to know, the less they know, better. If they want to know more, they can ask me in person. I don't have to let everyone know what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, etc. Well, now, I only use the internet to read, check emails, look for stuffs, see and admire pictures online. As for communications, my friends know how to get to me. I am still always online ( hello unlimited internet plan) so they know what to do. Yes, me, going cold turkey on social networking/other related stuffs is stranger to me than you thought, I would still love to maximize the plan, but if it means having the palpitations and the tears back, no way jose. I have to remind myself that.

But this non-tweeting decision has it's own drawbacks, I am still thinking what I would like to tweet. To address that, I bought a notebook yesterday. So that on weekends, I can just write what I would like to tweet and of course read and do my other stuffs (photography, badminton and running/jogging).

I am a fan of cute notebooks, my box is full of it. I have different notebooks for different purposes. And no, I am no organized girl, I am just fond of it and I love writing too. Which was a good thing, so far, I have been writing stuffs on it since yesterday. The only thing I tweeted about was the RH thing which is a different topic and something I would rather not talk now.

I remember watching a Chinese film where in they write symbols on their past time. It's meditating, in a way, and I know I'm losing my concentration if there are erasures. I have to focus more.

Well, this simple writing thingy is very promising. Something to give me comfort for a while, one another perfect distraction from everything that should not matter. I have been making a lot of distractions lately and I hope I am not missing out on anyone with this.

Also, I am making an end of the year goal that I should fill out all its pages before the end of the year. Well, I wish myself luck and I will now sign off, I have some more writing to do. Cheerio!

Kababawan, walang dulot, walang patutunguhan

Eto hindi ako makatulog muli. Pagod ako pero ang utak hindi mapakali. Kaya heto, blog tayo.

Naisip ko lang kung gaano na naman ako nagiging mababaw. Madali akong maapektuhan ng maliliit na bagay na hindi naman dapat. Ngayon, naisip ko na nung isang araw na i-hiwalay ko ang sarili ko sa mga walang kwentang bagay. Ang aking basehan ay oras, kaya nararapat lamang na gamitin ko ito ng husto hindi naman ako magtatagal hanggang katandaan, siguro.

Hmm. Dahil dito, kailangan kong ipaalala sa sarili ko kung ano ba dapat ang mahalaga, at SINO ba dapat ang mahalaga. Kung hindi rin lang importante at walang dulot sa mga personal commitments ko, huwag na lang.

Personal commitments, ano ba ang mga ito, i-review natin Abi

1. Commitment sa pangangalaga ng katawan:

A. Maging malakas ang pangangatawan, priority ang endurance at stamina. Matagumpay na ako sa hindi pagkakasakit, para na akong mutant, wala pa akong record ng sipon ngayong taon. Dinagdag ko na ren ang badminton para lumakas pa ang pangangatawan kong lalo. (mukhang nakatulong)

B. Makakuha ng 5th kyu belt sa aikido. Ewan na lang kung paano ko maaalala ang mga skills, pero ang dahilan kung bakit ako sumali ay ang skills. Dapat maging natural sa akin ang bawat naituturo, at, huwag mawalan ng pag-asa sa pagkamit ng black belt. Na napakalayo pa. Errrggg..

C. Makatakbo ng 21k sa RU3. Oo, kailangan nang subukin ang paa sa 21k. Kinaya ko naman ang 16k sa yakult, pero gusto kong bumilis pa. Anyway, finisher's shirt lang naman ang habol ko hehehe. So, para mahanda ang sarili ko, tatakbo ako ng 16k sa august, sa regent. Tignan natin kung kaya ko na sya derecho. (take note, hindi ko pa ren kaya ang 10k derecho, farthest distance is 8.8k - UP oval)

2. Bumalik sa pagiging artistic "kuno".

Haha. Oo, dati po akong nasali sa mga drawing contest simula elem hanggang high school. Dakilang tagagawa ng art projects ng pinsan at mga kapatid ko. Marami pa akong biniling mga materyales pang-art para lang kapag wala akong ginagawa, kailangang aralin ko muli sila isa-isa. At gusto ko ding pag-aralan ang paggamit ng Craypas.

Sinabi ko rin sa kaibigan ko na kailangan namin ng art appreciation. Naisip naming dalawa na pumunta ng museo at manood ng theater
plays. Nakalimutan ko na ang panonood ng teatro simula nung ako ay gumraduate. Pero gusto ko lalo na yung grupo na mula sa Ateneo na nagtatanghal ng Shakespeare pieces sa wikang tagalog. Astig lang.

Kailangan ko na ring maglevel up sa aking pagpopotograpiya. Gulay, nastuck ako sa aking kakaunting nalalaman. Kailangan ko ng bagong estilo, makapunta nga ng Paris (Mark Nicdao mode). Haha. Pero, buti napagusapan na namin ng kapartner ko sa prenup na si Eric na sa susunod na mga prenup, may concept meeting na, para hindi bara-bara ang litrato. Plus, mas may kwento ang mga litrato. Wow may level up akong ganyan. Hehe.

3. Tanggapin ang realidad na wala na akong mahahanap na trabaho bukod sa meron ako ngayon kaya dapat hindi ako nagaaksaya ng oras kakatitig sa screen. Oo naisip ko yan kanina, tintitigan ko lang yung screen, ni ayaw kong simulan ung isang proyekto na napakatagal nang tengga. Pero ganyan ako sa trabaho, mas mabilis ako kung admin ang gagawin (magliquidate, tumawag sa telepono, mag-email, magsked, etc). Kahit pagsabay sabayin pa yan kayang kaya ko, pero pag pinaggawa mo ako ng report, pihado titigan ko muna ng matagal yung datos. Hindi ko maintindihan, pero mabagal ako sa pagpproseso ng impormasyon. Hmm. Kailangang kada titig ko ng matagal, kailangang alalahanin na kailangan kong tapusin ang trabaho.

4. Enough Tulog.

In average, ang nakukuha ko lang na tulog ay 4-5, tapos isang oras sa byahe. Ewan lang. Pero kailangan ko atang habaan pa, pero ayaw na ng katawan kong matulog ng matagal, kahit pagod. Tingin ko kaya ako nagiging makakalimutin, tapos pansin ko na paulit-ulit ako ng kwento sa parehong tao. Hindi ko gawain yun. Naaalala ko lahat. Dati isang laro sa akin ang maaalala lahat ng edad ng mga nakakausap ko online. Ngayon, iilan na lang sila, hindi ko pa maaalala ang mga kaarawan.

5. Kaibigang mahalaga.

Kailangan ko ding isipin ang mga tao sa paligid ko kung mahalaga ba sila o hindi. Nadadagdagan lalo ang mga taong kilala ko, nakakatuwa naman. Yung mga bago, okay lang magstay dahil may panahon pa para kilalanin sila, pero yung mga lumang walang idinudulot sa akin kundi sakit ng ulo. Kalimutan na lang. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nagttyaga, mabait ba ako o tanga lang? Buti na lang at iilan lang sila. Unti-unti, alam ko mawawala din sila sa buhay ko.

At dapat hanggat maari, sumusuporta ako at lagi akong present sa buhay ng mga tinuturing kong kaibigan. Kahit anong mangyare, hindi ko sila tatalikuran at iiwanan. Kung may uuwing ofw, sisiguraduhin kong kapag makikipagkita sila, present akong lagi. Walang sablay, walang excuse. At kung hindi ako kayang panindigan at tulungan ng kung sino man sa mga tinuring kong kaibigan ko, pwes, kalimutan na. Sayang oras walang dulot.

Ayun. Dapat hindi ako makakalimot sa mga ito. Mga personal commitments ko para iwasan ang kababawan, walang dulot at walang patutunguhan sa buhay.

Hay, at dahil inaantok na ako, pwede na akong matulog. Sana matuloy ko na ang plano ko bukas at sana matapos ko na yung plano kong gawin sa opisina. Lord, bahala na po kayo. Good nightie.

Single detached

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ”
― Simone Weil

Nowadays, with my current schedule, I realized that I am slowly being detached to the people I once thought I could NOT live without.

You see, I have been given different opportunities, to run, to read more books, to play badminton, to become an take the job of my boss for 2 weeks, and to travel due to work. Also, all of my closest friends are sooo far away, my family is in limbo - I don't see them much often, and if we do, we all would quarrel, so it's better not to talk to them.

So with that, I am alone, fending for myself. If I feel bad, there are some people i could talk to, but not those whom I am comfortable with, this is why I write. It's good though, it gave me the feeling of being detached to them. I am detached but of course I would love to see them again, just the thought of them being not here is something I've accepted. And they're no longer part of my weekend routine but, I make sure that if they're here, I will see them. In a way, I am still attached but in my everyday life, I am detached. Seems weird?

Little by little, I am detaching myself to the trivial things. I guess it's easier to live if you don't get attached. Less expectations, less hurt. I just have to classify which is trivial, which is not. I am sooo bad at it.

With this, I feel a bit independent. I don't have to answer to anyone, I can eat alone, I go around the mall, and even watch movies alone, I go places, make my own plans, meet different people, run, make blogs at fastfoods, go aikido, etc. i know one day, I will be oversaturated of this, if it becomes a habit. But heck, i think this is exactly what I need right now. It is to be detached in order for me to know what needs to be retained and what needs to be left astray.

One by one, my reality starts to kick in. Yes, if we attach ourselves we only allow us to be vulnerable. We become weak, but if we detach ourselves we get to prioritize what matters and become independent from all what could hurt us.

Well, this is just my opinion, so far it works for me. I'll let you know if I change my mind.

Bipolarity

I took an online test before, this is regarding my psychological state which is something I really am worried about. It turns out, that I am someone with Bipolar Disorder. Well, I didn't know what was it before, I was actually checking whether I was manic depressive, and this is what it turned out.

According to helpmania.com, below is the definition of the disorder:

"Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function."

So, this disorder does not only comprise of depression but mania as well. Signs of my mania are very present, if you are someone who's attentive, when I'm in the mood, I usually take the discussion and sweep it. Just like earlier, I was so hyper bugging my cousin, then afterwards I was crying with an episode of Dog whisperer.

I think this is getting worse. I am not coping up with the new experience. I am doing a lot, I am in the other side of it, the mania part. Earlier, after doing my report, left with the unsatisfactory feeling, I jogged for an hour. It was already 10pm when I left the oval.

I am trying not to stress myself at home. I think I am doing the right thing by not stressing myself too much. The only cause of stress for me is my work. This work that I will be quitting soon. I don't know where to go next, and I haven't planned, but i have to get out soon.

Well, see, I am already sleepy and I still am in the mood in writing some more. Haha.. The heck! Well, I just came out of depression so I guess this is the other side if it.

With this, I would really need people who have wider understanding. If people would give me something to be sad about, even if it hurts me, I have to think about my relationship with them. Nowadays, my colleagues are really doing a good job in really comforting me. Not that I asked for it, they gave it instantly. It's sad that people who has the closest proximity would not care to bother to observe and feel this, my biggest flaw.

This is my reality, my curse, a result of what was and will be carrying it for a long time. I accept that I have this. I have to limit my interactions to people probably. If I am right that I am not getting better, I will have to stick with the people who will keep me sane. I will not delete people in my life, I just can't. I'll just interact less, i guess my stupid internet plan has to be used less. Oh my. Nagkayas kayas rag kug kwarta! Hay.

Anyway, I wish myself luck. I'll need that, on the days to come.

Magkaibang nilalang

Alam ko na, sa tinagal-tagal ko na dito, kada trabaho ko alam kong mapupunta lang sa kangkungan. Kada report, hindi naman napupuri. Kailangan pala natin ng papuri paminsan-minsan, kung wala nito. Para lang tayong nagtrabaho sa wala.

Kanina, habang tinatapos ko yung report ko. Naalala ko lahat ng agam-agam ko sa paggawa ng report. Nasa isip ko na na hindi siya pupurihin, may kailangang ulitin, ayusin, baguhin. Minsan ibabasura lang lahat. Hindi ko nga tinapos kasi naiiyak na ako. Parang wala namang patutunguhan. Basura lang.

Sa tinagal ko, pansin ko na parang binenta ko na ang parte ng kaluluwa ko, matamasa ko lang ang ganitong buhay. Kung hindi dahil sa trabahong ito, hindi ko matustusan lahat ng luho ko ngayon. Pero sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, hindi sapat sa akin lahat ng ginagawa ko. Kung sapat man sa akin, hindi naman sa iba. Para naman akong sira, hinayaan ko pang tumagal ito.

Nakakaiyak na naintindihan ko ang sarili ko sa parteng yun. Hindi na talaga ako masaya, kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong gawin nila, hindi ko kayang maging trabaho ko. Hindi ko kayang ipagpalit ang sarili ko sa trabaho ko. Ayokong ibigay.

Kailangang kumawala ako dito. Kakainin ako nito paunti-unti. Ang tanga ko din kasi, hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na magpaakit sa mga tukso na inialay nya. Ngayon, hirap akong makakawala.

Isang araw, makakamit ko din ang kalayaang minimithi. Isang araw.