Kababawan, walang dulot, walang patutunguhan

Eto hindi ako makatulog muli. Pagod ako pero ang utak hindi mapakali. Kaya heto, blog tayo.

Naisip ko lang kung gaano na naman ako nagiging mababaw. Madali akong maapektuhan ng maliliit na bagay na hindi naman dapat. Ngayon, naisip ko na nung isang araw na i-hiwalay ko ang sarili ko sa mga walang kwentang bagay. Ang aking basehan ay oras, kaya nararapat lamang na gamitin ko ito ng husto hindi naman ako magtatagal hanggang katandaan, siguro.

Hmm. Dahil dito, kailangan kong ipaalala sa sarili ko kung ano ba dapat ang mahalaga, at SINO ba dapat ang mahalaga. Kung hindi rin lang importante at walang dulot sa mga personal commitments ko, huwag na lang.

Personal commitments, ano ba ang mga ito, i-review natin Abi

1. Commitment sa pangangalaga ng katawan:

A. Maging malakas ang pangangatawan, priority ang endurance at stamina. Matagumpay na ako sa hindi pagkakasakit, para na akong mutant, wala pa akong record ng sipon ngayong taon. Dinagdag ko na ren ang badminton para lumakas pa ang pangangatawan kong lalo. (mukhang nakatulong)

B. Makakuha ng 5th kyu belt sa aikido. Ewan na lang kung paano ko maaalala ang mga skills, pero ang dahilan kung bakit ako sumali ay ang skills. Dapat maging natural sa akin ang bawat naituturo, at, huwag mawalan ng pag-asa sa pagkamit ng black belt. Na napakalayo pa. Errrggg..

C. Makatakbo ng 21k sa RU3. Oo, kailangan nang subukin ang paa sa 21k. Kinaya ko naman ang 16k sa yakult, pero gusto kong bumilis pa. Anyway, finisher's shirt lang naman ang habol ko hehehe. So, para mahanda ang sarili ko, tatakbo ako ng 16k sa august, sa regent. Tignan natin kung kaya ko na sya derecho. (take note, hindi ko pa ren kaya ang 10k derecho, farthest distance is 8.8k - UP oval)

2. Bumalik sa pagiging artistic "kuno".

Haha. Oo, dati po akong nasali sa mga drawing contest simula elem hanggang high school. Dakilang tagagawa ng art projects ng pinsan at mga kapatid ko. Marami pa akong biniling mga materyales pang-art para lang kapag wala akong ginagawa, kailangang aralin ko muli sila isa-isa. At gusto ko ding pag-aralan ang paggamit ng Craypas.

Sinabi ko rin sa kaibigan ko na kailangan namin ng art appreciation. Naisip naming dalawa na pumunta ng museo at manood ng theater
plays. Nakalimutan ko na ang panonood ng teatro simula nung ako ay gumraduate. Pero gusto ko lalo na yung grupo na mula sa Ateneo na nagtatanghal ng Shakespeare pieces sa wikang tagalog. Astig lang.

Kailangan ko na ring maglevel up sa aking pagpopotograpiya. Gulay, nastuck ako sa aking kakaunting nalalaman. Kailangan ko ng bagong estilo, makapunta nga ng Paris (Mark Nicdao mode). Haha. Pero, buti napagusapan na namin ng kapartner ko sa prenup na si Eric na sa susunod na mga prenup, may concept meeting na, para hindi bara-bara ang litrato. Plus, mas may kwento ang mga litrato. Wow may level up akong ganyan. Hehe.

3. Tanggapin ang realidad na wala na akong mahahanap na trabaho bukod sa meron ako ngayon kaya dapat hindi ako nagaaksaya ng oras kakatitig sa screen. Oo naisip ko yan kanina, tintitigan ko lang yung screen, ni ayaw kong simulan ung isang proyekto na napakatagal nang tengga. Pero ganyan ako sa trabaho, mas mabilis ako kung admin ang gagawin (magliquidate, tumawag sa telepono, mag-email, magsked, etc). Kahit pagsabay sabayin pa yan kayang kaya ko, pero pag pinaggawa mo ako ng report, pihado titigan ko muna ng matagal yung datos. Hindi ko maintindihan, pero mabagal ako sa pagpproseso ng impormasyon. Hmm. Kailangang kada titig ko ng matagal, kailangang alalahanin na kailangan kong tapusin ang trabaho.

4. Enough Tulog.

In average, ang nakukuha ko lang na tulog ay 4-5, tapos isang oras sa byahe. Ewan lang. Pero kailangan ko atang habaan pa, pero ayaw na ng katawan kong matulog ng matagal, kahit pagod. Tingin ko kaya ako nagiging makakalimutin, tapos pansin ko na paulit-ulit ako ng kwento sa parehong tao. Hindi ko gawain yun. Naaalala ko lahat. Dati isang laro sa akin ang maaalala lahat ng edad ng mga nakakausap ko online. Ngayon, iilan na lang sila, hindi ko pa maaalala ang mga kaarawan.

5. Kaibigang mahalaga.

Kailangan ko ding isipin ang mga tao sa paligid ko kung mahalaga ba sila o hindi. Nadadagdagan lalo ang mga taong kilala ko, nakakatuwa naman. Yung mga bago, okay lang magstay dahil may panahon pa para kilalanin sila, pero yung mga lumang walang idinudulot sa akin kundi sakit ng ulo. Kalimutan na lang. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nagttyaga, mabait ba ako o tanga lang? Buti na lang at iilan lang sila. Unti-unti, alam ko mawawala din sila sa buhay ko.

At dapat hanggat maari, sumusuporta ako at lagi akong present sa buhay ng mga tinuturing kong kaibigan. Kahit anong mangyare, hindi ko sila tatalikuran at iiwanan. Kung may uuwing ofw, sisiguraduhin kong kapag makikipagkita sila, present akong lagi. Walang sablay, walang excuse. At kung hindi ako kayang panindigan at tulungan ng kung sino man sa mga tinuring kong kaibigan ko, pwes, kalimutan na. Sayang oras walang dulot.

Ayun. Dapat hindi ako makakalimot sa mga ito. Mga personal commitments ko para iwasan ang kababawan, walang dulot at walang patutunguhan sa buhay.

Hay, at dahil inaantok na ako, pwede na akong matulog. Sana matuloy ko na ang plano ko bukas at sana matapos ko na yung plano kong gawin sa opisina. Lord, bahala na po kayo. Good nightie.

Single detached

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ”
― Simone Weil

Nowadays, with my current schedule, I realized that I am slowly being detached to the people I once thought I could NOT live without.

You see, I have been given different opportunities, to run, to read more books, to play badminton, to become an take the job of my boss for 2 weeks, and to travel due to work. Also, all of my closest friends are sooo far away, my family is in limbo - I don't see them much often, and if we do, we all would quarrel, so it's better not to talk to them.

So with that, I am alone, fending for myself. If I feel bad, there are some people i could talk to, but not those whom I am comfortable with, this is why I write. It's good though, it gave me the feeling of being detached to them. I am detached but of course I would love to see them again, just the thought of them being not here is something I've accepted. And they're no longer part of my weekend routine but, I make sure that if they're here, I will see them. In a way, I am still attached but in my everyday life, I am detached. Seems weird?

Little by little, I am detaching myself to the trivial things. I guess it's easier to live if you don't get attached. Less expectations, less hurt. I just have to classify which is trivial, which is not. I am sooo bad at it.

With this, I feel a bit independent. I don't have to answer to anyone, I can eat alone, I go around the mall, and even watch movies alone, I go places, make my own plans, meet different people, run, make blogs at fastfoods, go aikido, etc. i know one day, I will be oversaturated of this, if it becomes a habit. But heck, i think this is exactly what I need right now. It is to be detached in order for me to know what needs to be retained and what needs to be left astray.

One by one, my reality starts to kick in. Yes, if we attach ourselves we only allow us to be vulnerable. We become weak, but if we detach ourselves we get to prioritize what matters and become independent from all what could hurt us.

Well, this is just my opinion, so far it works for me. I'll let you know if I change my mind.

Bipolarity

I took an online test before, this is regarding my psychological state which is something I really am worried about. It turns out, that I am someone with Bipolar Disorder. Well, I didn't know what was it before, I was actually checking whether I was manic depressive, and this is what it turned out.

According to helpmania.com, below is the definition of the disorder:

"Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function."

So, this disorder does not only comprise of depression but mania as well. Signs of my mania are very present, if you are someone who's attentive, when I'm in the mood, I usually take the discussion and sweep it. Just like earlier, I was so hyper bugging my cousin, then afterwards I was crying with an episode of Dog whisperer.

I think this is getting worse. I am not coping up with the new experience. I am doing a lot, I am in the other side of it, the mania part. Earlier, after doing my report, left with the unsatisfactory feeling, I jogged for an hour. It was already 10pm when I left the oval.

I am trying not to stress myself at home. I think I am doing the right thing by not stressing myself too much. The only cause of stress for me is my work. This work that I will be quitting soon. I don't know where to go next, and I haven't planned, but i have to get out soon.

Well, see, I am already sleepy and I still am in the mood in writing some more. Haha.. The heck! Well, I just came out of depression so I guess this is the other side if it.

With this, I would really need people who have wider understanding. If people would give me something to be sad about, even if it hurts me, I have to think about my relationship with them. Nowadays, my colleagues are really doing a good job in really comforting me. Not that I asked for it, they gave it instantly. It's sad that people who has the closest proximity would not care to bother to observe and feel this, my biggest flaw.

This is my reality, my curse, a result of what was and will be carrying it for a long time. I accept that I have this. I have to limit my interactions to people probably. If I am right that I am not getting better, I will have to stick with the people who will keep me sane. I will not delete people in my life, I just can't. I'll just interact less, i guess my stupid internet plan has to be used less. Oh my. Nagkayas kayas rag kug kwarta! Hay.

Anyway, I wish myself luck. I'll need that, on the days to come.

Magkaibang nilalang

Alam ko na, sa tinagal-tagal ko na dito, kada trabaho ko alam kong mapupunta lang sa kangkungan. Kada report, hindi naman napupuri. Kailangan pala natin ng papuri paminsan-minsan, kung wala nito. Para lang tayong nagtrabaho sa wala.

Kanina, habang tinatapos ko yung report ko. Naalala ko lahat ng agam-agam ko sa paggawa ng report. Nasa isip ko na na hindi siya pupurihin, may kailangang ulitin, ayusin, baguhin. Minsan ibabasura lang lahat. Hindi ko nga tinapos kasi naiiyak na ako. Parang wala namang patutunguhan. Basura lang.

Sa tinagal ko, pansin ko na parang binenta ko na ang parte ng kaluluwa ko, matamasa ko lang ang ganitong buhay. Kung hindi dahil sa trabahong ito, hindi ko matustusan lahat ng luho ko ngayon. Pero sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, hindi sapat sa akin lahat ng ginagawa ko. Kung sapat man sa akin, hindi naman sa iba. Para naman akong sira, hinayaan ko pang tumagal ito.

Nakakaiyak na naintindihan ko ang sarili ko sa parteng yun. Hindi na talaga ako masaya, kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong gawin nila, hindi ko kayang maging trabaho ko. Hindi ko kayang ipagpalit ang sarili ko sa trabaho ko. Ayokong ibigay.

Kailangang kumawala ako dito. Kakainin ako nito paunti-unti. Ang tanga ko din kasi, hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na magpaakit sa mga tukso na inialay nya. Ngayon, hirap akong makakawala.

Isang araw, makakamit ko din ang kalayaang minimithi. Isang araw.

Apathetic dream

I just had a chat with my friend, Rhon yesterday and told her about my depression bout on the first quarter of 2012. Something hit me with our conversation, it's my idea of me being alone, forever.

You see, as you know, I fell in love and he wasn't there to catch me (in summary, he did not love me back). But before that, I was so sure that I was really spending the rest of my life being alone. I did not care if someone came along, I was pretty happy with my life. Even I was a fat girl with a job she doesn't like, I was pretty okay with the things that went.

Then, this guy came in, I really thought fate has made a way for me to meet him. Well, maybe as friends, as I have interpreted now. So, now, I am in the process of putting back the pieces that were present in my system before. But it's hard, it is FRIGGIN' hard. I am really not the same person anymore. That guy really changed me.

Now, as I chatted with Rhon, she told me not to close doors in having to find "the one". But, I defended, I really am not looking, it's better to expect that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Then, she said, "you know it'll be more fun travelling with someone, taking pictures together, eating together etc. " . Then, that alone hit me, well, i really wanted to travel with that someone. I think it's really fun having him on my side seeing the rest of the world. That's my idea of being in a relationship, the thought that whenever I go, I know that I belong to someone, that we belong together.

Yeah, I'm cheesy alright, but hey that's just me. I haven't been in a relationship ever. This is why I want to be someone who's apathetic. I don't want to feel again that cheesiness that may lead me to hurting myself again. Being heartbroken is one of the hardest ever, and this is the first time I got a taste of it. I don't want to experience it again.

Plan, I don't know really, but I will be busy in the coming days, I hope it will numb me up. Cross fingers!

And then there is acceptance

Well, it's been a month since my bout with depression. I guess, I've come in terms with everything that is happening with my life. I have learned that what I really need is some air and acceptance.

When I look back, the first half of 2012 went by so fast. I did not even notice that my third anti-tetanus vaccine shot is already due. This has been one rollercoaster year. It is quite obvious on my previous posts. But well, sometimes your mind and heart gets a bit confused with new things like these and this is an opportunity to learn more about myself.

It's not something big really, if you compare it to other people who have gone a lot. When I say a lot, it's something that hits the most basic needs, mostly driven by lack of money and resources. I have been fortunate, I really am. I recognize this everyday and sometimes I think that it's just not for me. And it's sad realizing something so good shouldn't be yours.

Well, I've accepted this fact. I am now looking forward for something - opportunity and distractions. Thank God, I have a lot now - free fun runs, requests for pictorials (prenup and maternity), friends who would ask me to meet them and now, the return of my cousins (one from province, one from another country) and unplanned travels with friends. All of these came in the right time.

Now, how do I move on from these. I have to resolve these issues, I have just come in terms with it. I think it's halfway solved. But it's still a long, long, long waaay..

Well, I will figure it out soon. I know God will find a way. :)

Nostalgia: Cabalian

Nostalgia is both a self-inflicted wound and the morphine you take for the pain - a perfect reprieve from the cold, cruel light of an untampered -with day. It hurts, but it's a good hurt.- Stacy Horn


I live everyday holding memories of the past. Somehow, I go on to the future clinging to the past. I savor each memory like food and taste it and devour it like crazy. And whenever I get good ones, I never get hungry for days. It's like I'm refreshed. 


Well, last week, I went home to our province. Not exactly my home, since I grew up at QC already but since both of my parents grew up there. I consider it my second home. I remember going home as one of my happy memories. I remember the excitement from different places. Whenever we are near the port of Manila, Whenever, I see the view of our place from Lepanto St. Bernard, whenever we are at the airport. I remember eating Crunch with my dad at the ships we rode. 


Whenever we are there, I remember the smell of kopras (coconut husk). It makes me feel at home, the smell of the sea, the wind, the fields, even the sound of the hurrying ordinary passenger buses and trucks. I also remember the people, my titas who smell you before they kiss your cheeks, the faces, the smiles, the language, the way people speak - angry like but nevertheless, still, home.


This year, since I became a jog-a-holic, I jog every morning to the fields. And it was fantastic, a new memory to live by. The morning light, the cold breeze, the people murmuring, seeing this new face running on the street, my favorite view of the mountain, my favorite tree scene, the distance, my first hour run.


Thanks to these memories, I feel refreshed going back to the city. Before coming in, I think I got depressed, I wasn't energized, I was everything negative, I could not accept what was happening to my life. Life wasn't accepting everything I wanted to happen. So, on the course of my stay, I accepted that it wasn't going happen. I was afraid to go back, because I know, I could get hurt again, I'll be disappointed, and then will never accept. But, I have to go back and get scarred some more. And after everything, I'll get used to it, and probably I would be able to figure out how not to have wounds again. 


Sorry for holding too much from the past. It's something I hold on to. Something that gets me going. I would probably post some more. I now know that I need to reminisce the good things in order for me to not dwell on bad feelings people and circumstances give me. I am in the process of learning everything. 


Maybe this is my year of learning before getting 30. Oh well. Hello life. :) 

Almost Forgotten Thoughts Box

There are times that I would think of something in the middle of something and then I thought of writing/blogging them down when I remember. But I usually don't so, here are some that I have gathered from my almost forgotten thoughts box. Well, now I get to think of so many things that I would like to say online, but I'd rather write them here in one sitting. Let's see if get to remember all the things I said I'll write. (Time range is from Sunday to now)


While Swimming earlier


I now know why you love snorkeling around here. I thought the view would be boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't near great but it was good. Something not to miss for. I'll try to explore more and see what the sea here offers.



While reading Murakami's book


I don't like running either. But there's something about running that I would like to conquer. I know my body is made for stamina, but I don't want to push it. Oh well, I hate running but the more I hate it the more I am loving it. You know what I mean? I hate it but I don't want to be beaten by it. And if I set something further, and I succeed, I win.

I want to try running here (in our province) the view is fantastic. I wanna breathe the morning air while I try to sweat my ass off. I reckon it'll be a good run. Cross fingers, I wish I could wake up early tomorrow!  



While at the bus on my way here (Sunday)



I guess people who are generous are selfish. If they don't do it (giving), they won't be able to sleep, eat or live their lives properly. So, they are selfishly selfless. I'm a loose screw am I? 



While walking around yesterday


If people are smart, would they stay here? What would become of their wants if they leave this place? Smart people have more 'wants' because they are smart enough to gather what they already need. Here I go again with the theories. No answer is needed. Just wondering.



While taking pictures yesterday


Why would people look if they see someone taking pictures? I know it's what you see everyday, but I don't. Let me take my pictures please. 



Woke up with a call from work asking me to do blah blah blah


I know, I should not whine with this. I should be thankful that I have a job. Remind self 1000x.


While blogging, NOW.


I lost all thoughts. Kaboom. Good night. I have to try and jog tomorrow. 


Oh well, I guess my brain is already saturated with all the things I wanted to do other than this. I thought of this while reading the Murakami book and got me inspired just to write anything. This just lead me nowhere but I guess it's a start.


Good night. I'll write again. Promise. 

Anesthesia

Minsan hindi ko alam kung nagmamanhid na ba lahat ng sakit o gumagaling na.

Sa aking wari'y inineksyunan ako ng anestesya ng tadhana upang makayanan ang sakit

At pagkatapos ng lahat ako'y makakalimot, pero ang sugat ay mag-iiwan ng peklat

Sa bawat tingin ko dito ay tila may kirot, ngunit hindi na ito kasing sakit ng dati.

Hindi na katulad ng dati.

Wisdom tooth/teeth

I think one of my right teeth is starting to annoy me. It hurts, but what's weird is that it only hurts for a while then disappears in a jiffy. It is bothersome, I already have Alaxan and Menefenamic acid on my med stash. I don't want this pain for too long. So, I went to see my dentist.

So, here I was under the dentist chair. I remember her saying from my last visit that if the right 2nd molar should hurt again she may have to either remove it or go for the root canal. I don't want to happen either, so the thought of it lingered as I was waiting for our checkup to start. Well, after the xray it revealed something I never thought possible. A 3rd molar is starting to grow, and it's pushing the 2nd molar, one of the probable reasons why it only hurts for a while because it's growing.

Third molar or the wisdom tooth as tey call it was something I thought it would never come. I thought it would come around when I was 24. But now, somehow, i think it grew just in time. Another one of those, just in time moments.

From my previous post, I was asking my dad how to figure these all out. How to survive this, claiming that this is my year, the year where I have to learn everything. I think the tooth came in at the time where I needed to learn my would-be-greatest lesson in life.

What it is, I still don't know, but the tooth just gave me hope. Hope that I will be able to get all of these by the year. An answered prayer, I will hold on. I will know. I will survive. I will figure things out, eventually. 😊

Aja! Aja wisdom tooth.