My Happy Thought

This is my dog, Masud. One of my happy thoughts. Earliest memory of him, comprises of fur and smell of chocolates. And I have been in love with this bag of fur ever since.

I remember seeing this ad on friendster and I was just wondering whether the puppies were already vaccinated or not, a puppy of mine just died days before I saw this ad. I was so depressed (at that time) and I had no one at home and this ad seemed to appeal to me. See, this guy is giving away his puppies after trying to sell them for 2.5k pesos. He said the puppies had to go soon, since he is residing on a condo unit at Ortigas and having too many pets was (I guess) against the rules.

Anyway, i am really not into pets at that time. As I have mentioned, a puppy just died on me days before seeing this ad. Call it chance or fate but it just gave me another shot by letting me see this one tiny ad on friendster. My dad, convinced me to have it, he will accompany me in getting the little dog. Well, soon enough, I am seeing myself in the lobby of Horizon condominium. Waiting for this Randy guy to give me his puppy. Upon seeing them, i could not explain, he was this tiny bunch of fur. I got excited. You could carry him by the hand, and upon seeing me, his tiny tail started wagging. It was so cute. I couldn't help it but to be attached quickly to this little fella.

I'll never forget that day. And from then on, he has been giving me lots of joy. He gives it bit by bit. A simple gesture of putting his chin on our laps, Greeting us merrily when we arrive home, licking our cheeks when we cry, the feel and warmth of his fur when I sleep at night, and being at my father's side when he was still around. I love to remember that fetching that cute mutt on Ortigas was the last thing my father and I did together. And i'll try not to let go of it. Never.

Having this dog is one of the greatest blessings ever. I may not have Holgar, the last dog, who was someone with breed, intelligent, not fluffy and unique. But I had Masud instead, someone whom I really needed. God knew what was to come and he gave him to me just at the right time. And I've always thanked him since then, coz He chose the right one for me. And whenever I am in grief, I am always reminded of this thought. All of these things, about my dog, are just enough to make me smile and just move on. Well, this is just one happy thought. I have to remember all those other thoughts. I really need 'em this time.




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Of Choice and of Luck

I've always thought i always have a choice when it comes to these kinds of things. I am darn wrong. I can never get my brain to get out of it no matter what I do. I am unlucky, as my friend puts it, because this time, things did not get in my way.

It is sad, but good thing is I have learned. I have learned that in love you can never have a choice and you will not be always lucky. It's either you get what you don't want, or the odds are all against you and you won't get it at all. I think I got both. All I can do is sigh.



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Paranoia

Earlier, I was feeling good for waking up early, 7am (Yes, that's a bit early for me). I became my mom's driver to the market and waited for them to be done. While waiting on the car, I read the Murakami book I bought and as I was reading it I noticed that the weather was rather good despite weather forecast saying it's going to rain. It was perfect, the sun shining on the book's pages, leaves falling off the trees, cool wind blowing and it was a sunday morning so people walking are in their not-so-hurried selves. I loved the view.

Then, I panicked after loving everything. I suddenly got this thought of someone barging into the car and shooting me point blank. I don't know why I'm ruining everything, but I tried thinking what to do in case that happens. Where do I duck in? What my mother will do, what my funeral will be.

Good thing, my mother came in just in time and every thought just went away. I guess, I haven't gotten over my past demons. This is something I think i should do something about.

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Run

Our office group has been into runs lately. Good thing is that they influence our other colleagues to join the run too.

On our last run, the AXN run, (they have been always going for 21k. I, on the other hand, just went for the dorky 5k. Well, i want to enjoy the run and not tire myself badly.) I've thought of beating my own record. My last 5k record was 45mins. (i know it's easy, but i don't like running, i just do it for the sake of fitness.. Hahaha! Who am i kidding???) anyway, point is, while running my thoughts wandered off, and thought of my dad during the run.

I joined the football team during college. I am only one of the defensive players but I need to have the stamina to stay active during our games. My dad, who was consistently jogging at that time, encouraged me to join him in jogging. We jogged in the morning, he ran while I took my time walking. He did not actually wait for me but I know he is there. I thought now, these runs should be the things that we should be doing together. I never knew I can take on a 5k run, if he were alive and active, he would've tried the 21k. While running, i've imagined him running in front of me, along with the other runners.

So, when I went running with my dad in my mind. I was just amazed that I already reached the end of the line. 5k became easy. I almost cried upon reaching the end. My dad was my sole inspiration for this.

Even if I hate running, I will be joining these runs. For my fitness, and for my dad. I hope you're proud of me up there.

Masks

Probably all of us have masks, I admire people who are consistent with their interaction with different people. I know, I don't but I'm always trying.

Yes, you've read it right, I do also show different face to different people. I guess I normally base it on my comfort level. Well, let me enumerate again:

1. Family/Housemates - I've been with them for a long time and i have deviced different ways for me to enjoy their company. With them, I can be my childish me, and the most annoying person ever. I even annoy the dog and the cat. I don't know why I enjoy doing this. How do i annoy them? I call their name several times, just for the sake of gettig their attention, pinch them, slap their bodies while sleeping even roll on the top of their bodies. Of course, i only do this to my sister, brother, and two other cousins. But the annoying name calling, I do that all the time. Especially, when I've had too much sugar. Weehee.. I will be so in the mood to annoy.

2. College friends - with them, I don't know why I turn into the funny me. Never serious just plain funny, sarcastic and negative. I cried before them, whining I wouldn't graduate I'm still surprised up to now how I did it. But these are the people who could really put up with me. Even if I'm two hrs late, or I don't show up during meetings, well, I don't know why, but even if I'm like this, well I am always forgiven. I'm trying to change this now, my time is really impt now. I am juggling in between activities. Sheesh. Ika nga ni Rhona, I have too many extra-curricular activities nowadays. I have to be in time so that other activities won't be compromised. Yehesss excuse!

3. Office buddies - of course, this is where I work. What's good with them is that we're all buddies, and I can give them my most cuthroat joke and they won't mind. Or not. Or I don't know. Well, what I love about this group is the conversations we share. I feel smarter when I'm with them. I am in touch with my philantropic self (or whatever that means) when I'm with them. They also thrive to be healthy beings too, so I try to be my competetive self (let me emphasize on the word TRY, I'm really not that smart, but I've always tried to be one).

4. Aquiantances - i am a goody-too-shoes girl. I admit I love pleasing other people and I always love to leave a good impression. I can't help it.

Sometimes i go number 4 on my friends or family, or sometimes when I am so not in the mood i will be transforming into my party pooper self and stay inside my room the whole day, reading books and listening to music, or sleeping or whatever.

I think this is not just me. I think it's important for us to socialize properly, every person has the right to be dealt properly even if they act as if they don't deserve it. I also want to change some of these, of course, i want other people to know me as me. It's just that you can't be too comfortable with everyone.

So, I guess these masks are here to stay after all.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blogging using Popodi

As seen below, I can now publish blogs using BlogPress via Ipod touch, or my Popodi.
Bought it for a hundred bucks (php that is!) and i hope it's all worth it. I can now write thoughts even on my own bed. Urrrgh.. Finally.

So excited to start new blogs using this one. I just downloaded it, and I am starting already. Ooooohh this is so fun.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thank you August

I just finished Water for Elephants today, not so much of a good book, but there's a character there named August. He has paranoid schizophrenia (which I don't think he has, bipolar personality, probably) and he is charming when he's in good mood but totally evil when not. I think my August also became like August, the character. This August I got the most highs, the most good, and the most lows, but I think this is for 2011 only. This month really changed me.

The highs, this month, I've made and rekindled my friendship with most of my friends and acquaintances. Got drunk, learned Aikido, lost more weight, got Makati City on my mind city map, made more job done (though there's still more, but I am more determined to finish them all), and I think for the first time, ... never mind.

Which brings me to my extreme low, I think I fell in love or I think I liked a guy. And I wanna diss it out already. I think it'll lead me to nowhere, and I don't want to waste time liking the guy. It's sad. I think this is the farthest I've gone in an attempt to get the guy I like. But, well, maybe I'm just closing the doors, or I dunno. I think, for now, it's best to accept that we'll just be friends, and if something develops from there on. I think it won't be any soon. This feelings just fuels me to move - To go with the highs. It feels good. I feel recharged.

August is just another month of the year. I guess, there's still more in store for me this coming 2011. I have two trips coming up, birthday, christmas and new year. So many things to look forward to.

Pag-iisa

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, nakakalungkot daw gawin ang mga bagay-bagay mag-isa. Nagtataka ako kung bakit. Madalas kasi, mas gusto kong ginagawa ang mga bagay ng mag-isa. Gaya ng panonood ng sine, kain at pagsshopping. Napagtanto ko na masaya naman din naman ang may kasama, pero may ibang saya kapag mag-isa ka lang. 

Hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng nobyo simula nang ipinanganak ako. Hindi ko pa nararanasan ang lungkot ng pag-iisa. Pero parang alam ko na yung pakiramdam ng nasaktan dahil sa pag-ibig. Hindi naman isyu sa akin ang hindi pagkakaroon ng nobyo. Karamihan ng mga kaibigan ko, talagang naghahanap, pati lalaki. Sabi nga ng dati kong boss, hangga't hindi mo nararanasan, hindi mo mararamdaman ang pakiramdam. Ako, kung sa listahan ko ng mga gusto kong gawin, huling-huli sya. Dahil siya ang pinakamalabong mangyari, mas gusto kong mauna yung mga bagay na mas mangyayari. Hindi pa naman ako nalulungkot sa pagiging mag-isa. Pero binalaan na ako ng tiyahin at boss kong matandang dalaga. Ayaw kong matakot, pero walang dahilan para ikalungkot ang mga ganyang bagay. Masyadong maraming bagay ang nangyayari sa mundo para lang umikot sa pag-ibig sa isang tao. 

Naisip kong mas magiging malaya ka sa mga bagay kung kaya mong gawin ang mga bagay ng mag-isa. Mas malaya ka sa mga iniisip ng tao, sa mga gusto mong gawin at sa nais mong mangyare. Mas nababawasan ang pag-aalangan mo sa buhay. Sa akin, yun yung importanteng aral na natutunan ko sa lahat ng pagiging mag-isa ko. Mas hindi ako takot, mas naging matapang ako. Para akong nakakawalang ibon sa tuwing may nagagawa akong bagay na mag-isa. 

May mga bagay pa rin akong kinakatakutang gawing mag-isa. Pero isa-isahin ko sila habang buhay pa ako. Pero paunti-unti nararamdaman kong isa akong malayang nilalang. Diyos na lang ang bahala sa akin. Gusto kong dumating ang panahon na pati kamatayan, hindi ko na rin katatakutan. 

Letter to you, whoever you are

Well, my Tumblr account just led me to this young man who confesses about his feelings - aka love life and the likes of it . His blog is kinda cute and it just inspired me to write something about my lovelife as well. Errrr. not really my current lovelife, because I have none as of now, but I would like to write to someone from the future. Maybe we have met, maybe not, but I hope you read this by accident. This will serve as your warning letter from me. Ha-ha. Here it goes:

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Dear Future Man,

Good luck. I think I am going to be your worst nightmare. I will always wonder why you chose me, but I know being with me is like riding the worst roller coaster ride of your life - twisty and barf-y.

I think I have bipolar personality disorder, I have extreme high and extreme low days. When I am on my extreme high, be prepared to be annoyed, I'll annoy you like how I annoy everyone here at home (including my dog). I'll wake you up on your sleep and bother you the whole time you are around me. I'll sing you an annoying song, pinch you, pull your hair, call you annoying names etc. I hate to be ignored and I'll be a lot happier if you got annoyed. (Yeah, it is a crazy day! If you don't like it, just stay away from me when I just ate something sweet then I drank coke afterwards) On extreme low days, I would probably not see you or I will - depends. I'll just stay in my room, either to read books, listen to my fave Sara Bareilles song or just or go to the mall alone and shop. Just let me be on these days. I need this time alone.

I am always late but I hate waiting. Weird no? This has exceptions though, I can wait for those people who have waited for me for hours. Haha.. Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood. I will never be late for a period, but I will be soon. And you'll wait for hours, believe me, I tried not to make people wait, but I always fail at that. Maybe it's the procrastination that delays everything. I hate waiting in lines and traffic. I hate being stuck in a place, maybe it's okay for me to wait for a person because you can still leave while waiting.

I hate smokers. I wish when I meet you or if we're together you'll stop smoking. Smoking is BAD for your health. If ever I marry you, I want to see our children grow with their father. I want you to see who they marry and your future grandchildren. I want you to live longer, and i don't want to see you die like my father did. He suffered like hell, and just thinking about it makes me cry. I don't want any of our children to experience the pain. It's hard to forget.

I hate wussies. If there's one thing I hate about some men is being a wussy. If you don't have the balls to be my man or at least be more manly than me then just fuck off. I'm serious. If you're gay it's okay. If not, then just get the hell out of my face... I've met guys like that and they've heard nothing but cuss words from me. I don't want you to hear the same. I think if you'll be more manly than me, I'll be just fine.

If ever, you will be my first boyfriend. I will always wonder why you chose me like how I wonder how I got the sweetest dog in the world. It'll always be a mystery. As my friend Jeddah said, we are not common girls, we're not pretty, girly and we act like tomboys. I will always try to be your girl and I will always treat you as my man. Just don't be a wuss!

I will always make time for you. I don't know how. But I will always make a way. I am a busy girl. My cousin told me that I always pre-occupy myself with things. And yeah, I have a life before you came in.  I am actually afraid of you. I am afraid that my world would revolve around you and forget everything that I have now. I hope you will always remind me of who I am and I hope I don't drag you out of your own world too. I want you to have your own life and live it as you wish.

Well, I hope we get together well, we may quarrel or do some crazy stuff against each other,  but I hope, in the end, we always make ways to understand each other. I know life isn't perfect. I want to be your bestfriend. I want to be someone who can be your confidant in times of trouble. I want to protect you from everything that may hurt you. I want you to be always alright - even if I'm super duper mad at you. I want to travel around and collect keychains, photographs and memories with you.

Lastly, I want to know love from you. I don't really understand why people can't live with it. As I write this, I admit that I like one person now, probably more than like but I think he doesn't like me. (or I'd like to think he doesn't like me to lessen the pain) I can live with this thought, I don't sulk or cry all day just because this guy does not want to be with me. I can always do other things than think of him. I want you to let me know why some people do so - why some people can't bear the thought of having their significant other leave their side. I want to know why it hurts sooo bad.

But this doesn't mean you can break my heart, i just want to know why. I want you to show me what love is (yeah just like the song - hahaha). In return, what I can give you is my love. I will love you the best way I know how. And when we meet, I will always hope that it is enough.

Or not. Just tell me.

See you soon.

Love,

Abi

PS

I hope my mom is wrong about you dying on a war. I hope we still meet.

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There. I'm uber cheesy regarding this one. I hope you don't get me back on this one, whoever you are. I might be wrong here. I might change. I might die not meeting you. I may have a list of speculations but whatever thoughts I have, this is what I currently feel about you Mr Boyfie. So don't be complacent, I maybe more hell-ish than what I have written here. Hahaha. Just kidding.

I never finish anyth

Ang dami kong nakapilang blog posts. AT ayaw kong suotin tong damit na ito, alam ko matatapos din ako! Arrggh. Bakit ang dami kong naiisip isulat di naman ako writer? Sabagay, naisip ko kanina, mas dapat akong magsulat kasi nga hindi nga ako writer at hindi ako magaling mag-ingles. Kaya dapat mag-ingles ako at magsulat para mas makapagpractice. Ewan ang gulo ko. @_@

Pero, di ako magsisimula ngayon, magtatagalog ako. Sinasabi ko lang yung nasa isip ko. Natatawa na kasi ako ang dami kong draft posts. Pero ni isa wala akong natatapos. Hindi ko nabubuo ang mga thoughts ko ngayon. Nakakamiss din magsulat naman eh. Kanina, tinatapos ko yung isang blog, pero nagdalawang isip akong ipost, kasi parang hindi buo yung kwento. Magandang practice pala ito sa paggawa din ng mga presentations. Kasi mahina ako sa paggawa ng kwento. Sana may training ako ulit sa paggawa ng presentation. Aayusin ko na sa susunod.

Sobrang dami kong naiisip ngayong gawin. Hindi ko natatapos, hindi ko napupuntahan at hindi ko nagagawa. Dapat talaga ayusin ko na muna lahat.... Or ako lang siguro ang napapraning. May natatapos naman talaga ako, hindi ko lang ramdam na tapos na. (Ay binawi pa!) Pero ang kagandahan ngayon, parang narealize ko na marami pala akong oras. Kaso, dahil alam kong marami akong oras, marami na rin akong gustong ibang gawin. Hindi maganda.

Basta tatapusin ko lahat. Tapos na ako sa pictures ni Eden, pictures na lang ni Chin na sana matapos ko bago magLunes. Yung plano ng bahay, paguusapan na namin ni Ron sa Sunday. Nakapagpacheck up na ako last Sat, at babalik ako ngayong Sat para sa resulta ng ultrasound, so sana maging okay na yun. Sana makapunta ako ng lab sa Sat para tapusin ang mga trabaho dun. So, trabaho na lang yung parang may posibilidad na hindi matapos. (haha. At kelan ba natatapos yan?) Parang mali ang pagpaplano ko ah, dalawang araw lang ang weekend di ba?

Adik. Matutulog na nga ako. Naka-coffee pala ako kanina. Grr... Good nightie.

Music Much?

Me thinks I'll probably be deaf at the age of thirty. My audiometry test revealed my right ear (or left.. errr.. I forgot..) is partially deaf. Wow, if I were right, I only have 2 1/2 years to put up with my headphones.

I really would like to take care of my eardrums. But, I am currently having a hard time concentrating nowadays. And those headphones in my ears create this bubble that helps me focus on what I am doing. I have sooo many distractions, and I can be easily distracted. One question, and then pooof, I leave what I am doing.

Anyway, I love how music does this to me. It's like it possesses me and brings me to another dimension. Whenever i have those headphones in my ear, it's like I have a world on my own. Sometimes, I even imagine the lyrics and make myself the protagonist of the story. One time, I cried while listening and singing to the song AT THE OFFICE! It was one of my down moments, I was trying to figure out what I was feeling after hearing the news about my dad's cancer. After hearing the song, I realized that I was really sad. I am sad that it happened to the family and to my dad. Thanks to Avril Lavigne's Nobody's Home.

It doesn't just make me sad, it also gets me going to get the job done. It's like batteries to my brain (of course, sometimes I add coffee to my system to get myself go further - but I don't do that everyday due to my uric acid count). It gets me going to do things efficiently especially in post processing pictures and doing some data entry work.

I love how it moves me physically and emotionally. I cannot just take the headset away from my ear. When I do something, me and the music merge into one and do some beautiful magic together. I love it. I guess I'll just regularly see the EENT for my ears. I need to hear music until death!

Sleep deprived - Caffeinated.

It's already 1am and I couldn't sleep, I ate something I shouldn't have before bedtime, that coffee frosty something from Wendy's did it. Now, I have tons of thoughts and I don't need them in this time of the day. I have to sleep. 

I remembered before, I used to create all my drawings, school projects at night. It is because this is the time when I am in the peak of my creativity. But I didn't need coffee then, I just did everything magically on those wee hours of the day. Now, I need to do some sleeping, or else, I'll be doomed tomorrow. I wish I can sleep instantly. 

I should always remind myself with this, if I drank coffee in the morning, I shouldn't be drinking anything with caffeine or eating something sweet in the evening. Or else, this, happens. I am pissed. I keep on forgetting. 

Well, since this is already the situation. I will be to forcing myself to sleep. Good night. 

Busy Procrastinating

Actually, I am busy this July. Really, I am busy. This entry will not be possible had I not been procrastinating... AGAIN!

Anyway, I have lots of projects this month. This is all a good thing and a bad thing, depends on what will happen in the coming days. This month, I have two prenups, (I don't know if the other one will push, but I really hope it will), one maternity shoot and one house to design and construct.

The house is a surprise. I didn't take my mom seriously. She was bugging me to create the design, architectural and structural. I wasn't paying attention because I'm used to her saying it to me all the time. This time, she's dead serious.

My weekends will be full of those stuff.

I just slept while writing this. Haha. I really am so lazy. I have to wake up and do all of these stuff!!!! Tootles. :)

My Sweetest Downfall

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met


- Regina Spektor, Samson


When I realized everything, you really are my sweetest downfall. You made me vulnerable, I have never realized that I am this fragile when it comes to this kind of feelings. This is the first time that it became intense. So intense that I have to lessen up my presence on the internet just to at least lessen up the feelings too. 


I feel so guilty, I think you already know now that I really liked you. But I did not like the response that I got, I do not understand why you made this distance with me. So, I closed everything when I made that statement. I still want to be your friend, for real.. So I am giving you this space. I am dying to end it but I'll come back when all of these feelings are gone. When I can accept everything with open arms. 


Why do I guilty? Friendship is all you can offer, and yet I am yearning for something else. I feel like betraying that thin line. I don't want that to happen. Liking friends has always been a betrayal for me, maybe if the feeling is mutual, probably not, but this is different. You are different. Well, I hope you don't feel guilty as well. This isn't about you. All of this, is for me. I don't want to betray this friendship that we have. 


I remember that Friday night, I really don't understand what were you thinking then, but whatever it is. I don't care anymore. Let's just pretend it didn't happen. I'm good at that. As I've said, I can always move on. But I want you to know what I felt, when I saw you, it seemed all of my blood in my body rushed thru my head and I could not breathe normally. I have to go somewhere far just to compose myself. If not for the things that I have to get to that area, I would've left immediately. When I saw you again, I tried calling you, but I could not fathom the strength and I don't know if you could either. So I went away. 


I wish when I meet you again this will all be gone or at least I can see you without the blood-gushing-to-my-head feeling. I want you to know that even it ended like this, I am thankful that you made me feel this way. So, this is how it feels. It made me feel better about myself. I am more driven to lose the weight, become pretty and be girly. 


I'll still continue all this me being a girl stuff you know. Now I know, I want to love, but this time, I want to be loved in return. 

Lakad ng lakad

Nung college, naalala ko, ako ang binansagang Sto ninong gala at taong lahat malapit basta lakaran. Basta may oportunidad maglakad, naglalakad ako. Sa Maynila kasi laging traffic, syempre bilang batang buzzer beater sinasakto ko lang lagi ang oras papasok ng eskwelahan. Ayun, pagnagtraffic lang ng konti, makikita mo na akong tumatakbo sa Espana. At pag traffic din naman pabalik, ganun din, lakad.
Kapag masama din ang loob ko, naglalakad din ako. Parang kasing nakakawala sya ng sama ng loob sa bawat hakbang. Dati nga umiyak pa ako habang naglalakad, malabas ko lang lahat. Lahat ng ito nagagawa ko noon.

Kinain na siguro ng katamaran ko kaya kinalimutan ko na ang paglalakad. Kung pwedeng i-jeep, ijjeep ko na lang. Katamaran talaga, ayan gigantic patas ang inabot ko. Ngayong nandito ako sa Makati para sa isang project, parang nanumbalik ang pagiging sto ninong gala ko. Eto lang kasi yung lugar na hindi ko pa nakakabisa, para akong batang nasa ibang lugar kapag nandito. Kaya eto.


Isang malaking hamon sa akin ang pangangabisa ng mga lugar. Hindi sa ayaw kong mawala, pero parang bala mo kasi kung kabisado mo yung lugar. Kapag gusto mong pumunta sa isang lugar, makakatipid sa oras, di mo na kailangsn magtanong, di mo na kailangang maghanap. Tapos kung may humahabol sa iyo, alam mo kung san tatakbo at magtatago(bakit may ganyan? Hahaha.)

Kaya sa paglalakad may nadagdagan na naman akong kaalaman. Yun ang mahalaga dun, karagdagang benepisyo na lang ung pinawisan ako at pumayat. Gumagaan din ang pakiramdam ko at tila nanunumbalik ang lakas ng loob ko. Lakad ng loob para sa lahat ng bagay, kasi may alam na akong bagong lugar ~ salamat sa paglalakad.

Sleep

Before, I usually sleep a lot. When I say a lot, I mean 12 hrs or more (Sometimes the whole day, depending on how the week went). On weekends, I usually sleep all day, especially on sundays.

Now, I think, when I sleep, I am wasting time. There's so much more that I can do instead of sleeping. There's so much thing to learn, relationships to build, things to think, blogs to write, books to read.. etc. I know we need to sleep to energize, but.. what if tomorrow will never come for us? What if the world will end tomorrow? I just can't bear the thought of not being able to do all of these things... when I had the time, because I just slept.

Oh well. This is just me. Good night.

Introvert

Kapag sinasabi ko kina Jeddah na isa akong introvert, di sila naniniwala. Napakadaldal ko kasi at sa school, halos friends ko lahat ng mga tao. Either sya o ako ang mali ng pagkakaintindi sa salitang "INTROVERT".

Ayon kay About.com ang definition ng INTROVERT ay:


Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.


Dagdag pa nya:

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills.After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

Tama ako, ako ay isang Introvert. Napagtanto ko ito dati pa, lalo na yung they often avoid social situation because being around people drains their energy. Hindi ko rin ito maintindihan dati, bigla na lang akong totopakin, tapos mang-iindian na ako sa lakad. Gaya na lang nung isang linggo na pinagpasalamat kong hindi tuloy. Nandoon na naman ako sa mood na walang ganang makipaghalubilo eh. Buti na-cancel. Minsan talaga iyan ang topak ko, hindi ko alam kung aware ang friends ko dito, pero tingin ko yung mga ka-ofcmates ko aware na sila. Sa tingin ko, swerte din ako, nasa paligid ako ng mga understanding na tao. Kahit di nila ito mabasa, gusto ko silang pasalamatan. Eto ang bagay na hindi ko mapapalitan kahit kailanman, parang may mawawala sa akin kung hindi ako magpapaka-introvert.

Perks ng pagiging introvert? Wala. Tingin ko either parte ito ng personalidad mo o hindi. May mga definition din naman si introvert na hindi akma sa akin, gaya ng pag-iisip bago magsalita. Hindi talaga ako magaling sa part na yan. Gaya ng sinabi ko noon, ako ay isang reactive na tao. Pero mas gusto ko na hindi ko pagsisihan ang mga sinasabi ko, kung hindi matagalang pag-iisip yan. Sa tingin ko, kaya mas gusto ko rin yung mga pangintrovert na hobbies - internet surfing, photography, walking, etc kasi mas na-eenergize ako dun kesa sa mga pakikipagkita.

Though nakikipagkita ako sa mga tao, ngayon na ata ang edad na kailangang sumubok ng mga bagong bagay. Hindi na ako bumabata, at kailangan nang gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa noon pa. Except sa magkabf, yan ata ang hindi ko hahanapin. Mas gusto ko na siya ang maghanap sa akin, makaluma pero mas exciting. Naniniwala pa rin ako dito. *LOSER*

May mga araw din na parang gusto kang baguhin ng panahon sa pagiging introvert mo - kasi mas kailangang maging mas extrovert ka. Lalo na sa trabaho. Lagi kong iniisip kung dapat ko nga bang isakripisyo ang bagay na iyon, kailangan bang ako talaga yung magbago? May masasaktan ba ako kung maging ako lang ako? Mahirap makibagay talaga sa mundong ibabaw... Hayy..

Socialera

Dahil sinabi ko kay jeddah kanina tungkol sa dalawang blogsites ko, naalala ko na ang dami ko na palang account.

ACCOUNTS.

1. BLOGSPOT:
Dito sa blogspot, parang may apat ako, pero dalawa lang ang pinapakita ko. Yung isa pang sama ng loob, basta kahit na anong pangtopak ko lang na di ko rin naman inuupdate. Ngayon lang halos. Yung isa naman, dapat, pangtravel, kaso napansin ko hindi pala ako magaling mag-narrate. Kaya ayun kaboom isang malaking flop. Pinabulok ko na lang. Yung isa naman, tula, kaya di ko pinapakita, kasi ang corny. hahaha.. lahat ng kacheesyhan ko andun. Nagulat ako isa sa mga kaibigan ko nahanap nya! Binura ko na sa profile para di kita. Yung isa pang photography ek ek, syempre andun lahat ng masterpiece ko, kaso di ko na naman inuupdate, kaya sinusubukan kong lagyan ng laman kada linggo. Syempre yung huli, eto na. Ang pinakamatagal kong blogsite everrr.. Lahat ng ideya ko, mga opinion sa buhay, maikling kwento, mga angst ko, NOON, andito mababasa. Binabasa ko paminsan-minsan para naman maalala ko yung mga kalokohan ko noon. At natatawa pa rin ako.

2. FACEBOOK
Syempre isa lang ito, para sa lahat ng mga kamag-anak, kaklase, chuchu. Nakakatamad na nga lang kasi parang ang dami ko palang friends. Hahaha.. Sino yung ibaaa? Choz. Kilala ko most sa kanila (most is mga 94%), pero of course hindi kami close friends. Nagulat ako, di ko akalaing ganoon na kalaki yung circle of acquiantances at network ko.

3. TWITTER
Dahil marami na akong kaibigan sa FB or Facebook, lahat ng shoutouts ko, dun ko na nilipat, kasi naman nakakahiya namang makita ng mga bossing yung mga shout outs ko na "Gusto ko nang umuweeee" achuchuchu di ba? hahaha... wala rin naman akong gaanong followers dun kaya ayan shoutout to the maximum level ako.

4. WORDPRESS
Dahil sa recommendation ni Jep, nitry kong gamitin to para sana sa photography site ko. Gusto ko kasi sanang ayusin yung site mismo, gamitan ng themes at kung anong anikanik. Kaso mahirap pala syang intindihin. Kaya pinabulok ko na lang muna. Saka ko na aalamin.

5. FRIENDSTER
Patay na daw ang website na ito. Tinignan ko ngayon, okay pa rin naman. Parang fb din nito noon, kaso mas masaya talaga ang FB kaya jump ship na ako.

6. MULTIPLY
Lahat na ata ng pictures ko simula pa nuong nagstart akong magphotography ay nandito. Gusto ko talaga itong i-maintain, kaso naman ang pangit ng ngalan ng site. Abimisery. Ginawa ko lang siya kasi depressed ako, eh medyo OC ako gusto ko nasa iisang email address lang lahat ng social sites. Kaya ayun, pinanindigan. Ang hirap nang gamitin ng multiply ngayon, di katulad dati na pupwede mong i-connect sa facebook. Kaya ayan. Bihira na lang din makapagpost.

Obviously, mahilig ako sa internet talaga. Hindi lang ito ata yung mga social sites/blogs na meron ako. Pero ang maganda nito, pwede na tayong marinig kahit nasa iisang sulok ka lang ng bahay ninyo, basta may internet at computer kang kasama. Ang saya rin ng pakiramdam na ganoon. Masaya din pala ito, kasi feeling ko may lugar ako sa internet na para sa akin lang. :) Gaya ng mga nabanggit.

Books and Reading

To date, I have about more than 30 books. I think, I've only read half of them. When I was younger, I wished to have more books so that I can read more stories. I have loved learning thru the eyes of other people. I am an introvert, and this is the only way I can learn about other people. It's an effort for me to really socialize with people. 

I loved the facebook's Visual Bookshelf Application, it helps me track the books, their reviews, rating and other stuff. I also love buying books, so this application is also helpful in guiding me what to buy. Good thing now, I have the time and energy to read what I have bought. 

Now, I am currently reading "Para kay B" by Ricky Lee. Hopefully, I get this done by this week and then I'll read "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen next. :) 

Improvements

I haven't watched my weight for a couple of months or so. I have been eating too much and I think I've been depressed, I just didn't notice. My job, my schedule, my life, my family, everything... it is eating me inside. Sometimes, I have been attending to all these things that I forgot about taking care of myself.

Well, this is until I took those pills. Those pills are supposed to return all my female hormones. I have PCOS which means Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Both of my ovaries have a couple of non cancerous cysts, I have undergone DNC or raspa in tagalog, and found out that my these cysts make my ovary lining thick and if not taken care of, it'll probably lead to endometreal cancer. (Me thinks: Wow cancer again after two years.) Not good news, so I am prescribed to take the pills, probably for life. But I can always stop, just in case I wanna get pregnant. (A medicine major friend told me to have babies right away so that it will disappear, but I don't think that's gonna happen anytime so I'm stuck with the pill)

So what does the pill have to do with me? A LOT of changes happened, I lost my "manly" appetite, started to think girly, got crushes again (this is a big HAHA on my part), and I got the "I wanna have a boyfriend" thinking again. I forgot all of those late last year. It feels good to know, I'm still a girl after all. It feels really good.

I hope these "good" changes will still continue. To date, I've lost 6 kgs. I really don't know my December weight, but last Apr I think I already reached 76 kgs, now, I'm only 70 kgs. My target is 65kgs, my weight last Dec 2007. It's hard, but it's for the best. :) Wish me luck.

Mga bagay na ukol sa akin

Sa 27 years ko (mag28 this Oct) nalaman ko na:

1. Ako ay isang dakilang procrastinator. Ayaw ko ng ugaling yan. Ewan nasa lahi na ata hindi maalis alis. Lahat nadadamay sa ugali kong yan. Hindi ako magaling magplano dahil dyan. Kainis lang. Ngayon, dapat nagiimpake na ako, pero ayaw kong gawin kasi.. kasi... wala ayaw ko lang.. wala naman akong ginagawa dito sa harap ng computer buti kung tinatapos ko na yung Budget na pinapagawa ni boss. Nakakainis ako.

2. Ako ay reactive. Ano pa ba ang maasahan mo sa babaeng may malupit na reflexes. Hindi ko mawari noon kung bakit napakareactive ko, pero nasa sistema ko na pala yun. Mahirap gawan ng paraan, kasi parte na siya ng sistema ko. Kababae kong tao magaling akong sumalo, tumakbo ng mabilis, mabilis umilag - eh malamang reactive din ako pagdating sa sitwasyon. Naalala ko kasi na may training kami, ayun lumabas dun na magandang maging passive, i-assess muna ang sitwasyon bago mag-react. I am still trying naman, yung bestfriend ko kasi magaling dyan, yun yung nagustuhan ko sa kanya. Kaya minsan consult muna ako sa kanya before ang lahat.

3. Ako ay isang babaeng di mapakali ang utak sa pagpapalit palit ng isip. Hay nako, kahit bali-baliktarin ang mundo, kahit bongga ang reflexes ko, babae pa rin ako. Marami akong naiisip na options at ayaw kong magkamali sa pagdedesisyon.

4. Lahat ng kabirthday ko halos kapareho ko ng ugali, kung di man ugali, pareho kami ng mga gusto sa buhay. Ewan ko sa inyo, pero pansin ko lahat ng kabirthday ko, artistic at medyo smart, (hahaha.. okay ako na!). Hanapin nyo yung sa inyo para malaman. :)

5. Mahilig ako sa pop, pero mas gusto ko pa rin yung mga kantang tagos sa puso. Mala-Sara Bareilles, Colbie Callat, Marie' Digby. Ewan mas gusto ko girly songs, kesa sa mga alternative eklat. Mas relateable siguro.

6. Ang dami kong plano sa buhay, iilan lang ang natupad. Siguro pag nakakape ako mayroon akong 1000 na ideas, pero wala dun ay job-related. Lagi kong pinagdadasal na sana maging mas enthusiastic ako sa trabaho ko. Pero wala. Nanenegative na ako.

7. Ayaw ko na sa trabaho ko, pero wala akong choice. Gusto kong gustuhin siya. Sa totoo lang, nahihiya kasi ako sa boss ko. Alam ko malaki ang paniniwala niya sa akin, pero, wala akong paniniwala sa sarili ko. Hindi ko nga alam kung paanong nangyaring nakakatagal ako. Current dilemma talaga sya.

8. Ewan kung bakit, pero marami akong nakakaclose na bading. Simula high school este elementary pa pala! kaso magkaaway kami noon pero okay na rin. Nung high school pa lang tapos college. tapos ngayon din sa work. Okay naman sila. Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit. Baka bakla din ako? hahaha..

Naisip kong gawin ito, isa ito sa mga 1000 ideas ko. Isang araw ittype ko rin yang mga ideya na yan. Magdadala ako ng notebook at pupunan ko ng ideya. :)